And Now onto the Next Stressor

I am beginning to think that life is just one big cruel joke.  Is it meant to be that we just get one stressor out of the way, only to make room for a new one to arrive?  I’m thinking that’s what my life is meant to be like.  Settle one thing, only to have another royally screw up.

I know things are getting bad when I have my ‘anxiety’ dreams… I either wake up suddenly with waves of panic rolling through me or worse than that, I wake myself up crying.  I seem to be doing more of the latter lately.  My counsellor and I have talked about them and she has suggested that maybe I shouldn’t spend so much time trying to figure out what it is that is bothering me and causing these dreams, and focus more on accepting and moving on.  But for me, I see these as a warning that things aren’t quite right.  I see the psychiatrist on the 7th, and we’ll be having to talk about these dreams and my over all state of wellness.  It’s not that I’m unwell, but I feel like I’m stretched tauter than the strings on a banjo.  I’ve already explained to my counsellor that I feel like I’m walking on the edge – worried that it will take only one little thing to push me into the abyss of unwellness.

I’ve gotten a little sidetracked but I don’t think there’s anyone way to write this post that would flow from one thought to the next… nothing logical about it at all.

As mentioned in my previous post, I was going to give a presentation today to police (and to be technical other first responders who show up at the scene during a psychiatrist crisis) and was extremely nervous.  Scratch that, I was in full blown panic by the time this morning rolled around.  My stomach was heaving and churning and several times, and for the first time in my life while dealing with my agoraphobia, I felt like throwing up.  Many big glasses of water later and I got things under control and headed out to give the presentation.  My panic was not at all helped by the fact that I showed up at the wrong hotel to start, but straightening out that bit of misinformation I showed up at the correct place.  I was a mess on the inside but nobody would have known that on the outside.  True to my usual form, in my well practiced way, I held it all together, the only indication of how rough I was feeling was the trembling of my water glass whenever I picked it up.  I got through the presentation and by all preliminary accounts, things were well received.  My friend wanted us all to go out for lunch afterwards but as I was feeling really wiped out, I came straight home sporting a whomping headache and promptly fell into bed for an hours nap.

I woke up from this nap with one of my anxiety dreams and as I struggled to pull myself up out of the feelings that accompany those, I became aware that hubby was having a heated argument on the phone.  A little closer listening and it became clear that he was talking with his boss.  Now hubby’s boss is not exactly …  how shall I put it… maybe it doesn’t matter.  Hubby and his boss have had disagreements on and off throughout the years, typically when his boss makes some request that makes absolutely no sense or he sends hubby an email that is less than thoughtful and accuses hubby of not doing something properly.  Well, hubby is a perfectionist, so anything less than perfect won’t do and the emails are usually because his boss has not been diligent on his end and checked on his information.  Careless would be a good description… and careless at the expense of unloading on his employees.

After exchanging some very heated words including some very colorful profanity, it seems hubby’s boss hung up on hubby.  Well this was not good and only added to some frustration hubby has had over a recent email from his boss where his boss accused him of not going to work on Friday (hubby worked 15 hours that day.)  Next thing I know, hubby speaks up … he’s been laying beside me on the bed fuming for about ten minutes and he tells me he’s going to clear out the truck, go see the doctor tomorrow and see about getting medical benefits from unemployment insurance until he can get another job (there’s a company that has always told him he can go work for them if and when he wants.)

Well, and that’s where things stand now and my mind is swirling.  I shouldn’t think bad things… or extreme things… but I have to confess I have several things going through my head.  First and foremost I am worried about hubby.  I know he’s had a rough go of things with his boss, and has tolerated a lot of crap from him.  I’ve watched his stress level rise as he deals with the unreasonable demands of his boss and I’m concerned for his well-being.  I want him to be healthy.  He’s never really recovered from his cancer treatment or his accident, attested to by the endless hours of sleeping that he does while he is not working.  And it’s on this point where my anxiety begins to rise… and it may sound selfish… but I have visions of hubby sleeping for 15 weeks.

*sigh*  I realize I should not allow this to be a concern but it is.  I can’t shut down that thought process.   The idea of it terrifies and scares me.  It’s been difficult enough trying to cope with his current sleeping habits.  And I remember what it was like when I was having to care for him, the house and the dogs when he was incapacitated… and based on his attitude towards helping out during the last year… I’m not brimming with confidence that he is going to change that attitude or approach while he is off.  I think his .. the way he is… goes far deeper than it just being a “You can do it because I’m working and I’m tired.”  I’m dealing with someone who believes these things at a more fundamental level (yes, we’ve had a number of fights when he brings up the ‘I make more money than you therefore I don’t have to do’ argument.)  The whole situation just makes me want to cry.

Anyway… my brain is swamped and my emotional circuits are in overload.  Time to go find something to take my mind off things.

Bye for now

Going Squirrely

Tomorrow is a big day for me.. and I mean BIG day…

For over two years, almost two and a half years, I have not ventured into the community to do anything that is mental health related… too frightened, too much anxiety, too much panic.  Throw in the uncertainty of what my LTD company might think if I do anything that remotely looks like something I would do for work, and you have me – well tucked away at home, reducing my panic and anxiety in any way that I can.

Tomorrow is different.  I’m venturing out to try to break this cycle of fear I have locked myself into.  And of course, I had to pick something really BIG to try to do it with because, of course, I’m a real sucker for punishment.  Okay, not totally true about being a sucker for punishment – the draw for me is that what I am being asked to do is a project which has been a passion of mine for some time – to work with the police to train them, share with them, how their interactions can hurt or help someone with a mental illness.

I’m scared out of my mind to do it.  No question about that and I only hope I find the strength to follow through with it tomorrow when the time comes.  I’m about out of my mind with anxiety and I’m trying really hard not to predict tomorrow but if what I feel tonight is a precursor to tomorrow…. Ohhhhhh boy!

Yes, I’ve had interactions with the police and as one might guess, they haven’t all been very positive.  In fact some are downright horrible.  Sadly, while their intervention may have been needed at times, these interventions have left me feeling traumatized.  I could describe them within this blog entry, but that would take a whole lot of time and dredge up a whole lot of memories that I’m not sure I’m prepared to deal with.

For tomorrow, I have chosen two specific incidents to relate to my captive audience – my worst and my best, hoping that what I have to share will make a difference for other people like myself who find themselves staring at that person in uniform, ready for fight or flight.  I do know one thing I hope to accomplish by tomorrow’s activity – it’s not just about educating the police and it’s not just about conquering my agoraphobia and panic for that one day … it’s about trying to heal from those experiences I have had.  Sharing them … with others… takes away the shame of those events.

It does something else too.  I don’t know I guess this post is all over the place but I need to get it out.  It helps me … it proves to me and to others that despite those most horrible of times that I made something of my life.  It shows those in attendance that the individual that they run into is a real human being with hopes, dreams and a future – no matter how sick they might be when they encounter the police.

Now I’ll finish off this post and pray for the strength to follow through tomorrow.

Bye for now.

Music to Share: Rain – Mika

Sometimes I just don’t have the words to describe how I feel and music does a better job.

Rain

by Mika

Is it really necessary
Every single day
You’re making me more ordinary
And every possible way
This ordinary man is broken
You did it and you don’t even know
You’re leaving me with words unspoken
You better get back because I’m ready for

More than this
Whatever it is
Baby, I hate days like this

Caught in a trap
I cannot get by
Baby I hate days like this

When you let it rain
You let it rain
When you let it rain
You let it rain
When you let it rain
You let it rain
When you let it rain
You let it rain

More than this
Baby I hate days like-

Is it really necessary
Every single day
You’re making me more ordinary
In every possible way

This ordinary man is broken
You did it and you don’t even know
You’re leaving me with words unspoken
But you better get back because I’m ready for

More than this
Whatever it is
Baby, I hate days like this

Caught in a trap
I cannot get by
Baby I hate days like this

When you let it rain
You let it rain
When you let it rain
You let it rain
When you let it rain
You let it rain
When its raining rain
Raining rain

When you let it rain
You let it rain
When you let it rain
You let it rain
When you let it rain
You let it rain
When you let it rain
You let it rain
When its raining rain
Raining rain

More than this
Baby I hate days like this

More than this, baby
I hate days lïke

Wish I Had More to Say

Yes, I’ve returned to blogging but I have to admit I’m not really feeling that I have much to share… or maybe it’s more that I don’t want to share.  Hearing someone talk all the time about how much life sucks can bore me pretty quick and I can only suppose that it has that same effect on others, so rather than do that today, I will share some more music from my music collection… in fact, I’ll even make it a ‘nicer’ song …

Avril Lavigne continues to be one of my favorite performers – young, spunky, full of energy – her music ranges from rocking and bobbing to some very beautiful ballads.  The following song is perhaps one of my favorites of hers.

Innocence

by Avril Lavigne

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it’s so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn’t change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

[Chorus]
This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don’t go away
I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it
Don’t you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it’s so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I’m so happy here
It’s so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn’t change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

[Chorus]

It’s a state of bliss, you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It’s a state of bliss, you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

This innocence is brilliant, It Makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliance Please don’t go away
Cause I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it, Don’t you let it pass you by

[Chorus]