Some Days I Just Hate Myself

I’m experiencing a moment of self-loathing.  Well, perhaps it’s more than a moment because what I’m feeling is building slowly but surely…

A mixture of self-loathing, frustration, depression..

The cause of this horrible mixture of feelings which are building towards one hell of a panic attack?

I could just cry as I think of the simplicity of it – it’s my younger brothers’ birthdays today (they are twins) and I have been asked to go to one of their houses for cake.

You would think… or most people think that going to family’s house should be a happy, carefree event, but it isn’t for me.

I’ve been brought to tears as I think about going.  The people, even though most will be family and friends… going there… the noise… my heart pounds, my mind races…

I’m truly screwed up.

And when I think of how simple a thing this should be and how dramatically just the thought of going affects me…

I hate myself.  I hate this this called agoraphobia that affects everything I do.

I’m beyond words to express what I feel.  It’s so profound … so deeply felt … so irrational …

And it so bloody stupid…

And I hate it so much…