A Mood Dip

Life is full of things we don’t understand… I’ll be the first to admit that despite years and years of experience of dealing with my Bipolar and the five years of dealing with the Agoraphobia, I still don’t understand all that makes my moods go wonky.

Now, I know that everybody experiences up and downs for no apparent reason, but when I experience them, I always find myself questioning what is going on.  Some days I’m able to shake it off as “just one of those days” and then there are those times where I get this sinking feeling in the very pit of my stomach that says “Oh hell… please let it not be that!”  That’s the feeling I have right now.

My mood today has slowly been sinking downwards, but it’s not just about mood… if it were just a low mood, I would look at it and say “hmm… okay… no biggie… it’ll pass.”  What does have me concerned is the continued deterioration of my sleep pattern.  I’m having a harder and harder time getting to sleep at a regular time which then bleeds over and affects my wake time.   It’s a bit of a losing situation… some days I get up despite not having enough sleep which puts me in a sleep deficit situation or other times, there is no way I can crawl out of bed and make a go of things by a decent time.  Varying amounts of sleep are deadly in terms of their affect on my Agoraphobia… and to say I don’t want to even consider the effect it can have on the Bipolar… nope, don’t want to think about that.

For someone who has struggled most of my life with attaining a decent sleep, you would think too, that I would be a pro at figuring out how to get things squared away but alas, this is not the case either.  In fact, I feel a bit befuddled and lost as to how to straighten things out… typical… it’s been this way every time that my sleep routine has been messed.

Do I know the things that are interfering with my sleep?  Oh…. I have some pretty good hunches and will be trying to straighten them around… but it’s not going to be easy… nor will it be remedied in a quick way.

I think the hardest thing about when my sleep goes weird is there is a part of me that loves to be able to stay awake for extended hours… so much I can do… it’s like flirting with hypomania… get just a little taste and see if you can pull back.  It’s like putting your hand in the fire and seeing exactly how long you can hold it there before you get burnt.

But it’s the downswing of my mood that I can’t stand and that’s the reason why I have to get this sleep thing back under control.  I’ll be hoping and praying that I get to sleep by a decent time tonight, but I’m not holding out hope for that to happen as today was one of those days where I couldn’t wake up before noon.

*sigh*

Bye for now.