I Thought He Was Getting It

I had .. have… not sure which tense to use at the moment, been feeling very positive about the way things have been going with hubby.   Our trip to the inlaws had bolstered my confidence… our trips out and about there and the little things he would do .. that squeeze of my hand, the arm around my waist as he sensed my anxiety levels climbing…

I thought he was finally starting to understand the challenges of my Agoraphobia…

I thought the counselling was making a bit of a difference too… we’ve been closer lately… sharing cuddle time, talking lots…

Then the last two days happened… not today… Yesterday and the day before…

It all got started with a phone call from the dentist…

In a few months the benefits I have available through work will come to an end.  Unless they have changed the rules, after two years, I will switch over to paying for my own medical… at the same time I will lose dental and extended medical.  Hubby’s reply to this was … “Well maybe you’ll be ready to go back before then.” and then… “How are we to have a good retirement?”

Hell and damnation, man!  My jaw dropped open and then I became upset, and I asked him had he not been listening to me over the past while.  Did he not understand that my Long Term Disability meant that the doctors had said I wasn’t able to work?  *sigh*  Thus ensued a big long debate … me hurt and me feeling like he just wasn’t listening.

I ended up leaving and going for a drive… my usual… drive around in a circle with no real place to go… no place I feel safe and no place I could go to to unload the thoughts and feelings crashing around in me.

I came home and sent hubby an email.  It wasn’t so much a discussion – I talked about my feelings some, but mostly it was a big long series of questions… “Do you think this is what I envisioned for my life?  Do you think I enjoy not being able to go out?  Do you realize how much I miss work?  my friends?  my sports?  my schooling?  Do you understand there were a whole bunch of other stressors which added to the difficulty of what I already deal with?  How do you think I’ve dealt with being told that I can’t work?  Do you realize there are many days I sit at my computer and I cry?  Do you realize that this often happens when you think I’m sitting at my computer goofing off?”

He asked to talk to me for a bit yesterday… we hadn’t talked much since the blow out.  I was feeling too hurt prior to that – so much so that I even slept in the spare bedroom.  And when I went to talk to him, he started it again… “I read your email BUT… you need to understand my point of view.  I’m not sure if I’m going to make it another 15 years of working.  The accident has really taken it out of me.”

*big big sigh*  I told him that I did indeed understand his point of view and I consider it all the time.  I told him that I was feeling like he wasn’t taking my disability seriously, that it felt as though he were viewing it as something less than “real” .. that somehow I was supposed to be able to “snap out of” … and that it felt as though he was saying his issues were somehow more important than mine.  I explained to him, probably more bluntly than I ever have before, that the other stressors in the house that added to where I’m at now include his accident and the stress and strain of the youngest when she was at home.  I explained that he may not like hearing that (and indeed he didn’t) but he was going to have to deal with it, accept it, and then maybe we could move on.

I really do understand why he is having a hard time with the Agoraphobia… he said to me he has a hard time because he sees it as “selective”… because I manage to get out to visit my brother, sometimes a trip to the Farmer’s Market, or if I’m lucky – a concert with my friend.   He’s not able to see several factors here:

1. All the other stuff I do that is not fun – grocery shopping, paying bills, going to appointments
2. The anxiety I feel when even going to these events – although in the end enjoyable, cause a huge amount of anxiety
3. I only get to these events because I have someone on the other end supporting me – they understand the anxiety/panic/Agoraphobia and do what they can to help me get through it
4. There is a huge reduction in the amount of time / occurrences where I go out.  In past, I would be out of the house from 8am until 5pm, and many times, in the evening… as much as I could… I even used to be called the “Gallavanter” because I never sat still and my car engine never grew cool.

For me, I can do these activities because they are:

1. Infrequent
2. Supported
3. Short term
4. Something I can cancel/reschedule

I thought that maybe it was because they were less stressful, but they are not.. not even close.  The anxiety/Agoraphobia changed that for me – a long time ago.. blah!  Work… work is different… work requires me to be in contact with people I don’t know, on a regular basis, every day… and work is high stress.  I tried to explain this to him.  I’ll be trying again….

At the end of our discussion, we went and did our own things.  Me once again, frustrated, continuing to feel hurt… him… I don’t know what he was feeling… but….

Gosh we talked about so much… in the end he said he was trying to express his feelings and he’s trying to deal with it.  I understand that… I really do.. hell, I do really.. it is something that provokes lots of feelings.  I suggested to him that expressing your feelings is one thing, but telling someone they “want to be” that way is another.. that I felt like he took me and chewed me up and spit me out into little pieces.

We walked away from it for a while, but yes, we did finally make peace.  He says he’s trying to understand and it’ll take time.  For me, I want so badly for him to understand… I guess I take my comfort in seeing that he really is trying.

An interesting post note to our discussions was one regarding my actual LTD.  It seems that hubby was under the impression that my actual monetary amount of my LTD was going to be reduced.  I can understand why this would be cause for concern and I clarified for him that it is only the dental and extended benefits that are going to change.  And yet… I feel conflicted too… that the upset is because of what ‘money’ I might bring in?  *sigh*  Doesn’t really matter… we’ll work on one thing at a time.  For now, it’s to try to help him to understand my Agoraphobia.  The money stuff is taken care of and so there’s no point in worrying about that.

I’ve probably butchered the events of the last two days… so hard to sum it up in something that makes sense.. oh welllll….

Bye for now.