About Anxiety and Panic

With all the difficulties I have had with hubby, it’s occurred to me I have never really described very well what my anxiety is like for me – not to myself, not to the counsellor, not to the doctor, not to hubby… and maybe one way I help people understand is to try to find some way to describe it, and how it affects me day to day.  I don’t know why I’ve never tried to describe it – because it is something intangible?  It’s hard to describe that doesn’t seem concrete – you can’t touch it, feel it, see it.  Maybe it’s because I’ve just adapted and melded it into my lifestyle – it’s not something I put a name to – it’s just something that IS and as such, I deal with it.  Whatever the reason, I think it’s important to put a face to the beast I deal with – Anxiety and Panic.

When I try to explain to someone what it feels like to have a panic attack, in the simplest way possible, I tell them to think back to a time when they got a phone call and it was shocking news… a death in the family, a loved one in a serious accident… that instant feeling you get at the news, the gut heaving, the heart going bang… that sinking “oh crap” feeling… that’s what I feel like when I get a panic attack.

But my experience begins sooner…. I experience anxiety in so many situations … I suppose that now, I could be considered to have generalized anxiety as I spend much of my day feeling that I am in a heightened state of anxiety, yet, I think what may separate what I experience from generalized anxiety, is that much of the anxiety I feel comes from things related to going out – the Agoraphobia.  So, if I look in the fridge and see we are running low on groceries, I get anxious.  If I get asked if I have picked up something, I get anxious.  So many things… I hurt, I get anxious because it means I may need to see the doctor.  If the phone rings… when the mail comes … when the gas is low on the car… Anything which means I have to move beyond my safe place – home.  Even thinking about these things as I write causes my anxiety level to jump up a few notches … it triggers a whole bunch of thoughts about things I need to do but haven’t yet … get the car fixed, pay the income tax bill, visit my parents… if going out is a remote possibility of any of it…. BAM!  Anxiety.

The anxiety starts low and slow… kicking my brain into gear as I try to plot and plan each step of what I have to do when I go out.  My gut churns, my heart beats faster, my palms sweat, I become very restless.  My mind goes a hundred miles an hour as I try to think of ways I can avoid having to go out… Can I put it off?  Is it that important?  Can I do it from home?  Over the internet?  Can I get someone else to do it?  What are the consequences if I don’t do it on time?

You’d be amazed that something as simple as going to the grocery store poses so many barriers to me.  Is it going to be busy?  What time is it?  What time would it not be busy?  Have I remembered what time they close?  What if I can’t find a spot in the parking lot?  How many times do I circle the lot before I give up?  Have I remembered my ipod (I always wear it when I go)?  Where are my headphones?  Is it synched with my newest music?  Where is my bank card?  Will they have everything I am looking for?  What if they don’t… will I have to go to another store?  What if I forget something?  Where is my coin for the cart?  … and on and on and on… An uncertain answer to any of those questions, and my anxiety hikes up a few more notches…

Panic.  Panic is my enemy.  Panic puts me in a frozen state – I can’t see, think or do anything.  It paralyzes me.  I cannot breath, my chest is tight, my heart feels like it’s about to explode out of my chest.  I feel hot and trembly… on the verge of tears.  My inner voice takes over and tells me things like “I can’t do this!”  … “I’m going to pass out!”… “Everybody can tell I’m freaking out.”

But there’s more… once the panic subsides – it always does … I end up telling myself “I am a failure and I am a freak and I am so stupid to not be able to do these things… everybody else can…. I USED to be able to!!!!”

At the end of the road, I end up feeling wasted physically and emotionally.  I usually get done what I need to get done, although often because of the nature of wanting to delay things to avoid the anxiety, they are late or last minute.  I end up being very hard on myself… I can’t seem to break this pattern of trying to avoid anxiety and panic provoking situations .. even though I know by delaying them I am not solving them, only adding to the anxiety and panic.

So, I don’t know if I’ve explained it any better.  I’ve puts words to it… made it a little more real for me.  Now, I may look at printing out this entry and giving it to my husband to read… he’s been so open lately to trying to understand… maybe, just maybe, what I have to say will help explain things a little better to him.  And, even if it doesn’t help him any, I feel a little better for having finally given some sort of face to this nasty beast that has affected my life in so many ways…

Bye for now.