Fears & Counselling

In my last post, I talked about how I have been feeling upset and a bit lost, but didn’t really do a good job of explaining why I felt the way I did.  I’ve since had a discussion with a friend about that counselling session and how it is what we talked about was affecting me on a deep personal level and I think I got a handle on it now…. I think…

At the very core of what the counsellor was suggesting was that many of our emotions … the ones we perceive as being “negative” is some kind of fear, and that once we get to the root of what that fear is, we can start dealing with those emotions.  Well, this has rocked me…

I’m no stranger to fear.  I’ve talked about the book, “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” and how in reading that book, I managed to make some changes during a very difficult time of my life.  The premise of this book was that fear is normal and serves to guide us and so long as we don’t let it paralyze us, then we can take advantage of it and move forward in life.  That is, we accept fear as an everyday part of our life and keep on trucking.

I thought I had dealt with those fears but now, what the counsellor is suggesting is that I need to look deeper at what these fears are… that I need address them so that I can deal with the anger, and yes, even the agoraphobia.  I’m not sure I’m ready for that.  Yes, I have spent lots of time thinking about what my deepest fears are… even thinking about them caused me to feel panic and anxiety… blessedly not so much anger, but the panic and anxiety and the distress is difficult enough all on its own to deal with.

One day, maybe I’ll be able to actually write out what those fears are and share them, but even in the anonymity of a blog, I still don’t think I can.  They are too hard… too scary… too deep…. fears that are all wrapped up in a childhood that wasn’t quite what it should have been… teen years that were traumatic.

It’s difficult … even in talking with the friend, I realize that my fears are ones which are founded on inaccurate perceptions of myself and where I am placing exceptionally high expectations on who I am and what I should do, but I seem unable to alter these things.  I know on a rational level that they are ‘irrational’ but on the emotional level, I can’t turn things off.

Not being able to turn things off if very frustrating for me… and this frustration leads to the anger, hopelessness and helplessness that I feel.  It feels as though it is one vicious little circle that I am unable to stop from happening… the frustration, hopelessness and helplessness in turn feeding the panic and anxiety.

Anyway… I still haven’t decided what I am going to do…. personal counselling with the counsellor… or not.  I’m not certain that I’m in a place where I can make that decision yet…

Bye for now