Counselling

I know I had said I was going to talk about my vacation next, but I think I’ll let that one slide… for now… have other big issues on my plate right now and I’m in a bit of a bother as I try to sort them out.  To be honest, I’m freaked out… nervous as hell and not sure what I’m going to do.

Hubby and I attended our second marriage counselling session today.  They’ve been good… solid information, helpful even if at times we are left try to sit patiently through the counsellor’s recounting of his own life story.   The first session was about self-talk – the things we tell ourselves and how it affects how we feel.  Today’s topic was about how emotions work.  The approach he is using (the counsellor) is one which applies to our major life issues (society as a whole) – anger, stress, anxiety and depression.   Now, I agree for the most part that the way we think and the way we feel can be affected by our behavior, but I do firmly believe in the chemical imbalances that may through things out of whack…

Anyway, my problem with the whole thing lies in several areas.  Firstly, he is starting to touch on things that move beyond the marriage issues into ones which are very individual for me.  He has often alluded to the fact that my agoraphobia/anxiety issues lie in the self-talk I have going on and today… in emotions and feelings which I have not dealt with….

I’m not explaining this well… I know that.. I guess I’m trying to sort it out because he’s caused a shit storm of emotions within me.   We talked about anger today being a secondary emotion – that it results because of other primary emotions… hurt, sadness, frustration, confusion, guilt, being scared…

I acknowledge that I deal with anger … but it is kept stuffed deep inside because there really isn’t much I can do with it.  My situation .. being angry doesn’t solve anything.  Dealing with the secondary emotions… I … they are painful for me to deal with.  Even those things…. I don’t know that I can do anything with them either. .. it feels hopeless and I feel helpless (also things he pointed out that can affect our anger and suggested affect my agoraphobia.

I don’t know.  I’m so screwed up.  I have no way to explain how much of what he is talking to is digging deep inside me and touching on things I’m not sure I want to deal with.

I think I knew I was in trouble during our first session when he asked whether either of us had experienced any physical, sexual or emotional abuse growing up… all of which I experienced … and he talked about how those things affect us in our day-to-day living.   I know this… damn it…

He (the counsellor) mentions so many things that are currently scaring the crap out of me… because it’s beyond marriage.. it’s become ultra-personal.  I can’t .. I don’t feel I can even share with my husband how much these sessions are affecting me.

Oh, I love blog entries that don’t come together in the way I would like.. usually they help me sort it out… not today.

The counsellor has suggested I could go in and see him for some personal sessions… On one hand, I’m tempted .. just to try to find some answers to the stuff that is plaguing my thoughts… try to lay it to peace… maybe even if it is just to tell him that I can’t deal with the agoraphobia issues at the same time as the marriage issues.  I don’t know… I really don’t… because at the deepest level, I know I cannot separate out how my personal stuff is affecting my marriage…

I guess I do know where I am… I’m lost.

Bye for now.

A Post from on the Road

No post yet about my vacation, but I thought I would share some thoughts I wrote while on the road…

Wednesday, July 24th…

I’m learning a new exercise in patience today. In fact, I’ve had opportunity to practice this patience several times over… I’ve had troubles with my anxiety here too also requiring me to fall back on the quality called patience. Not that I’ve had much choice… Not really anyways.

Bless hubby, this is the first time I’ve really felt he’s understood my struggle with anxiety… He’s more than once today held my hand extra tight or wrapped his arm around my waist and told me I could make it, only finally letting me leave the store when anxiety mixed with annoyance at being kept waiting in the store for twenty minutes started me down the path of “I could rip some faces off.”

Even now, it’s raining and there’s not really any Internet so to speak and I’m sitting listening to my inlaws tell the same stories I’ve heard a dozen times before… A patience requiring me to listen  because they aren’t purposely telling them again … They’re telling me because they don’t remember and this is – or was – their life. At one time they were funny and entertaining …now they are a sad reminder of their age… of how time has crept silently past … of how their lifestyle leaves them with not so many interesting stories now. Now their current events consists of who’s sick, who’s died, whose kids put them in a home… But by far the worst line I hear is that they will be dead in a few years. Sometimes I think they think it’s funny but other times I think they say it for effect…worse is when I think  they believe it. Now I know you can’t escape growing older and death is inevitable but there is a part of me that thinks, or should I say feels, that I  know this bit do I need to be reminded?  I see it – in the way there hair is a bit grayer than the last tell I saw them, In how their shoulders are a little more bowed or in how it tales them a little bit more effort to get up from sitting… but I don’t need such a blatant reminder.  Or do I?  Maybe these reminders are what’s making it possible to work through the anxiety I have been experiencing … as I remind myself my bit of anxiety in exchange for precious time with them is well worth every precious moment.  So, I’ll sit quiet, enjoy the stories because I don’t know how many more chances I will get to hear them.

Back at Home

Home safe and sound after 5 wonderful days of visiting my inlaws.  Feeling well fed, just a hint of sun showing on my cheeks and my tummy is well fed with tons of home cooked meals.

Will update more tomorrow.

Bye for now.

The Night before Vacation

Twelve hours and counting before we head on the road to visit my in-laws and my anxiety is … to say nasty would be an understatement.  I’m really having a hard time at the moment, wishing I could come up with a legitimate reason to not go away, but knowing there is none.  We need to see the in-laws.. it’s their 54th wedding anniversary and they are getting older – all opportunities to spend time with them need to be taken advantage of.  This knowledge is not helping my anxiety level though… it’s not making things feel any better.  Several times today, I’ve been on the verge of tears as I know I must do this.

Stuff like this… vacations.. visiting family.. stuff like this makes me curse agoraphobia.  Rage… no anger… frustration maybe?  I feel these things.  I accept that I have this thing that affects my day to day living but times such as now, I wish I could lash out at it … at anything. Some way to vent the pressure that I feel inside.

I really don’t know how I am going to survive the trip.  Sounds melodramatic but it’s the truth.  Once the agoraphobia became a part of my life, I’ve always experienced anxiety about trips… but this one… it feels worse than the others.  Maybe I’ve forgotten how bad it felt with the other trips?  I don’t know.  I’m so afraid I’m going to get down there and be riding a wave of one panic attack into the next till I get to the point where I freak and insist we have to come back.  It’s about an hour drive to where we are going… needless to say, that’s a long ways away to decide you need to turn around and come home.  I’ve never done that to hubby but it sits as a possibility in my head.

My sense of wellbeing is not being helped by the fact that my shoulder has returned to its pre-cortisone injection pain levels.  The combination is deadly.  I’ll be making a long distance call to my doctor’s office to book an appointment to discuss further treatment options.

The pressure of the trip … I feel like I could go into a meltdown.  Most of the organizing has been left to me.  Today when I asked hubby for his clothes so I could pack them, I received a “What clothes?”  LOL.  “The ones you plan to wear while we’re on vacation, of course!”  I think he’s off looking for those.  Last minute things to do tomorrow include a trip to the bank, picking up my brother so he can housesit, put gas in the car, a trip to the pharmacy for medications… and a dozen other little odds and ends.

*sigh*

Time to go finish up some packing.  While I’m packing, I’ll see if I can find my courage … seems I might need a little bit extra to make it through the next week.

Bye for now.