Trucking Along

Despite my lack of regular postings, I am still here.  I continue to suffer a lack of inspiration and energy for writing.  I’m thinking that perhaps I need to make myself write every day regardless of whether I think I have anything to write about.  I’ve been through writer’s blocks before and really it’s the only way for me to get past it.  Then again, maybe life has just become that humdrum.. that common… that boring… that predictable?

I wake up… I let the dogs out… I look at whether I have to go anywhere… if I do then I worry and get all anxious about it, usually having at least one good significant panic attack and a cry… if I don’t, then I find stuff around the house to keep me busy… try to find at least one chore a day that needs to be done.. spend time on the computer… listen to music… have a nap… let the dogs in and out 20 times in the day… hope the phone don’t ring but answer it when it does, hoping nobody asks me to go out… wait for hubby to come home… figure out what’s for dinner… listen to him snore because he’s tired…

LOL … Exciting huh?

On the relationship front… I’m still trying to figure out what hubby’s schedule is so we can phone and book a counselling appointment.  It’s kind of weird… I ended up going into the office to get the info I needed and even when I went in nobody had a definitive answer for me.   I did get one via email a few days later from the office manager telling me it was okay.  She had been sick the first few days of the week which was why I hadn’t heard from her.  On the other hand, it seems totally ridiculous that it took that long as there were two people in the office who knew I was seeking that info and surely it shouldn’t have been that hard to communicate with each other to determine if I had it or not yet.  It doesn’t really matter though and I’m not going to spend a whole bunch of time and energy being pissed off about it and instead will direct that energy towards counselling.

At this point, I don’t even want to talk about my shoulder.  I am so frustrated and so annoyed with it because… because… let’s say… that it felt like it was improving, but now I don’t know if that was a) I had a few days where it was feeling good because I had babied it a little more or b) it was working and I did something that I normally wouldn’t and it caused further aggravation of the joint.  Again, another thing I am not going to sweat too much energy on because I can’t change it and must find some hidden reserve of patience as I wait to see what’s going to happen.

I have had some rather wonderful outings with friends.   Go figure, eh?  I met for dinner with two close friends, both former work colleagues but also people, who like me, have not only worked in the mental health field, but deal with mood disorders.  One of them is the friend I go to the concerts with, the other was a colleague who worked for the same organization as I but we had lost contact when I went into hiding off work because of the Agoraphobia.  Why and was it possible to go out for dinner… and to a pub, no less?  Well… wow… both friends understand the challenges of the agoraphobia and I can’t even begin to say how much of a difference that makes.   They alter… modify… well, they take into consideration what I can and can’t do … and while I couldn’t do a noisy restaurant, the pub we went to was one I was very familiar with.  Upon arrival my one friend was already there and waiting outside for me … she said she waited so I wouldn’t have to go and sit alone as she didn’t think I’d be comfortable with that.  I smile and thanked her and said she was bang on and in fact, I would have waited outside until at least one of them arrived.  Even then, we selected to sit outside because the noise was far less out there and I didn’t feel so cooped up then.  After the second friend arrived, we had a blast.  Three and a half hours of chatting, laughing and eating appetizers which were in no way healthy for us.  Parting ways, we decided that we will be meeting again next week.

Now that’s the highlight of the week.  I guess I should appreciate that my life… the one where I was on the go 24/7 is not one that was necessarily healthy for me.  Okay it wasn’t healthy… at all.  I’m learning to adapt, let things go… BUT… I still feel like my life is pretty humdrum.  As my friend and I talked about last week – it is easy to lose sight of the fact that we deal with major mental illnesses that impact our day to day living.  Sometimes that impact is more great than others.  At this point, the impact is far more than I would like it to be… I hold on to the idea that a) it could be worse and b) it will get better.

Bye for now.

All I Want Is a Little Information

There are those things in life which happen which frustrate us… and then there are those things that happen in life and frustrate us and make absolutely no sense at all.

Case in point…

For two weeks now I have been trying to find out from my work if I am still a part of our Employee Family Assistance Program (EFAP) while I am off work (LOA.)  In that two weeks, I have emailed twice, and have left three phone messages.  I didn’t get a reply to the first phone message until I left yet another one and sent a follow up email.  The email reply I got was that they were sorry to take so long and they had asked someone else but they hadn’t gotten back to them yet.  This was after a week.  Well, I’m pretty patient and I know that things can get busy there and I waited yet another week before sending another email message and following up with another phonecall.

I am sooooo frustrated.  And starting to feel angry too.

I work in the mental health field.  Our organization advocates that employers provide people with EFAP’s.  Our organization also encourages and educates people on self-care… about taking care of stress, seeking out help when you need it…

But I still can’t get the information from them about my own EFAP status?

I wonder if they understand the incongruent message this presents?

Even so… it’s not even about that really… it’s about me trying to get information about a program which would be beneficial to me and people for some reason.. whatever reasons… I don’t even get a call back saying they are still trying to find it?  It sends a message to me that I really don’t register on their radar…

Anyway, bottom line is.. it does not feel good and I’m glad I’m not in such a place of crisis where their info could be the make or break of what’s going on in my life.

Tomorrow, as it is group day and I am but a few doors away from my office, I will stop in to see them if I haven’t yet heard about my EFAP.  It’s going to take some measure of control to not let them know how frustrated, angry and hurt I am by their lack of action…

Bye for now.

A Whole Lot of Little Things

Been a while since I posted… partly because I’ve been tired… partly because I don’t know what to post about … partly because … well no real specific reasons really other than feeling like I have a blank brain much of the time.

Things continue ticking along in their own way.  I think I’ve resigned myself to allowing things to happen as they well, finally understanding I spend far too much time worrying about things for which I have no control over.  Now, I sit back and watch those things go on and I roll with the punches as they come my way.  It’s kind of liberating and it’s leaving me energy to enjoy the things I enjoy and do the things I need to do.

What is there for me to share?  Hmm… My shoulder is doing quite well following the cortisone shot last week.  Enough so that I’ve been able to putter about the yard a little bit as I prepare it for flowers.  It’s not completely healed and I’m being careful to do things in little bits and pieces, reluctantly coming back in the house once I feel it twinge.

Having taken my car to the mechanics last week, I received the news that the recommended repairs amounted to $1700.  LOL… remember I said I’ve learned to not worry about things I can’t do anything about?  This is one of them.  The work has to be done, so there’s no point having a coronary over it.  Struts, brakes and a wheel alignment are in order.  Ouch!

I’m still waiting for information from my work about my Employee Family Assistance program so I can set up private counselling for hubby and I.  My patience is truly starting to wear thin as I think two weeks for an answer is bordering on ridiculous.

Getting out of the house remains a priority for me and even though getting out causes such distress, I have been doing it.  Yesterday was an outing to watch a friend do a presentation, and then a reward afterwards of a coffee and a visit up at one of our local parks.  The time I have been spending with this friend is hmmm… special?  We are drawing ever closer as friends as we are both experiencing similar challenges in life.  I feel such a burden lift off of me when I am able to just ramble on about whatever thoughts I have and she doesn’t judge… often times adding her own little insights into things.  This last visit we ended up talking about how easy it is to forget that we deal with a major mental illness when it becomes such a routine part of our life and that we need to stop once in a while and say “Hey, I’m dealing with some pretty serious stuff and I’m doing an okay job of it.”   Another result of watching her presentation was the opportunity to connect up with another old friend who I hadn’t seen for some time … pretty much since I have been off work.  We’ve now set up a date for all three of us to get together and enjoy a beer and shoot the breeze.

So yeah.. it’s not that lots is going on … I mean there is and yet, it feels like the normal hum of life is going on.  Yes, I have other major things that I am working on (counselling with hubby, trying to get out of the house regular) but I’m working on them as much as I can, as fast as I can, but I’m not getting myself all worked up when I think things aren’t moving fast enough.

Well… time for me to go look at the front flowerbed again and see if there is anything more I can do there tonight.

Bye for now.

People Contact

I’ve come to a strange understanding today… well it seems paradoxical actually … well, whatever it is, it’s an epiphany for me.

As my day has progressed today, I have felt myself getting … restless? antsy?  Out of sorts?

And I finally figured out why.

At first I was alarmed at the idea that it meant I needed to get out of the house.  Imagine that… an agoraphobic who needs to go out.  But, I realized that it boils down to something more specific than that…

I need people contact.

Hubby left yesterday on another road trip.  When I think back to the last three weeks, he really hasn’t been home much and when he has, we were either in the throes of upset or he’s been so tired, he’s slept almost the entire time.  While last week was pretty busy with counselling, doctor appointments, group and going to the mechanic, this week, I haven’t really had much people contact.  I did see a friend on Monday, but our time was spent doing her taxes so it wasn’t exactly a fun visit.  I didn’t make it to the Farmer’s Market on Saturday because my shoulder was sore and I was trying to baby it to get the inflammation and pain down in it.  Group was canceled yesterday and my usual Wednesday friends visit was out too as my friend is not feeling well.

I hmmm… it’s different to understand that while I do not enjoy going out, I still need that human connection.  Not that I didn’t understand this before, but today it finally sunk in how important it is.

I’m probably not making a whole lot of sense, but I thought I share the revelation anyway.

My plan for tomorrow is to phone one of my friends and see about going for a visit.  Hopefully this will quell the .. it almost feels like anxiety .. that I feel building within me.

Bye for now.