The Reality of Disability

I’ve cried three times today.  That’s three times more than I like to cry in a day.  I don’t cry easy, but today has really thrown me for a loop and a half.  I cried while writing my first blog entry of the day; I cried when I went to see the psychiatrist to give her the form she has to fill out and I cried when hubby and I talked about my disability review.  I don’t think I’m finished crying for the day with tears just hovering in the background.

I don’t know if I can explain why I am so upset.  It’s about the reality of having a disability… or more so, the reality of facing the fact that I have one that affects me in a significant way.  It’s heartbreaking for me and a cruel reality as I reviewed the form and understood the significance of the two questions at hand:

1. Could I return to my own job?
2. Could I return to a different job?

The answer to both questions was “No” and I am having a hard time with that.  I know that it may not always be that way, but to see that … to be presented with that now… I’m struggling.  I’m struggling with the understanding that once I say I can’t return to my regular job, that I will likely lose that chance ever.  I can’t say I know my employer’s position on being able to return to a job once the LTD timelines have run out.  Honestly, thinking about it isn’t going to do me any good.   I suppose I will have to give them my official resignation soon.  I’m not looking forward to that.   And as much as I know they will want to have a going away party for me, I think I will have to pass on it as being something that will be too hard for me to do.  Thinking about all the people I would see… that I would be saying good-bye to… I just couldn’t bear it.

Coming to terms with not being able to work in any job at the moment, is just as hard for me.  It’s no damn wonder I’ve been crying half the day.  For me to admit that there’s no way I can make it out my door on a regular basis to a job tears me up inside.  That’s what I ended up crying about at the psychiatrist’s office.  She was trying to tell me that she saw my problem as being one which precluded me from any type of work at the moment and I think she was worried she was going to tell me something that I didn’t know or didn’t agree with…. I was hurting because I was having to admit that it was that bad.  She wasn’t telling me something new but I was choked up in having to tell her that.

Ahhh hell… I am crying again.

I am so upset.    Been a while since I was this upset about my own stuff.  Spend lots of time being upset by the things that go on around me… kidlet, hubby, family… so rarely do I acknowledge my own stuff.  And I’m hurting really bad right now.  In some ways, I think I walk around with my own little cloud of denial blanketing my true feelings about how things are going and how I’m being affected.  Truthfully, there hasn’t been a whole lot of time to even step out of my role as caregiver and say “Yes, things are not so great… they’re tough… they’re really tough… and I feel vulnerable.”

I’m a mess.

Talked with hubby about the disability review today and what it meant.  That’s when he told me… and I take it as the highest form of compliment… he told me I still have lots to contribute to the world and he doesn’t think I’ll be happy unless I’m out working and doing that.  Now I really do appreciate his sentiment, but the other part of me could just cry.  Well, I did.  Because it also shows that he does not comprehend how serious … how much the agoraphobia and panic affect me.  Six years of dealing with it and he still doesn’t understand.  It’s a battle I’m not going to win .. in fact, I dare say, it is a battle lost.  Because, very frankly, I give up.  I don’t even have the energy any more… I have no resources left to try to explain to him.  I’ve done all I can.

So… I’m a hell of a mess today.  Tomorrow, I will start the tedious and painful task of trying to fill out a form with three or four lines of space to tell my story.  I’ll probably give up and end up writing a letter to be attached to the form… who I am, what I am, how my life has been affected cannot be covered off in some little box on a form.  I’ll arm myself with Kleenex a pot of coffee and hope I can make a good start on it.  It won’t be easy.

Bye for now.

Layers of Stress

Things have been going really well lately and then it seems, just as I get my head up above ground, a world of crap descends upon me.  Today, it’s as though a perfect storm has occurred with the melding and meshing of a series of events that are causing my stress levels to sky rocket.

There’s the simple stuff like hubby coming back home.  A cause for celebration, for sure, but one of stress too as it means ensuring the house is in a presentable condition.  Wouldn’t be so bad if I could tackle the house in one big shabang, but instead, because of my stupid friggin’ shoulder, it becomes piecemeal at best.  He’s due in three to four hours and once I finish blogging, I will return to trying to tidy up.

I had to go out today – never a happy event even when it’s to meet up with friends as I did yesterday.  Today’s outing was to courier off some important paperwork.  Going out is a bitch on a good day – seems I will do anything and everything to delay it until the last minute … avoidance, procrastination?  Call it what you like… going out sucks for me.  The anxiety and panic I feel… anything to avoid it as long as I can.  But today’s outing was multi-faceted in the way it added to my anxiety… One courier package was to send off extended medical receipts.  A good thing because it means we will get a good chunk of change back.  Filling out the damn forms is a feat unto itself … they do stress me out.  The other courier package was my tax form to the government which unless they do some major adjustments, I owe them about $1500.  I mean, there’s nothing I can do about the way those numbers work out… it’s a complicated situation and it should be reduced once they get the letter from the federal government about my disability pension, but still.  It’s the thought that I currently owe them a crapload of money.

Then more stress.  How come happy events bring stress the same as good events?  I have a friend coming in from out of town – one who I haven’t seen forever and I’m very much looking forward to seeing her… but again… same problem I have as with hubby coming home.  A house that needs my attention and limited capacity of me to pay attention to the house.

And … next layer please… the past several days, I have noticed a squeaking, clunking noise in my front suspension, so the car is going to need some attention too.  Again, nothing I can do about this but take hubby for a drive and then, as I am sure he will agree, schedule some time for it at the garage to be repaired.

Last but not least… the biggest stressor to my day.  I’m about ready to curl up into a little ball and cry because it feels just as I’m pulling things together, someone throws a curve ball my way… I received a letter from the Long Term Disability (LTD) company informing me that as it is coming up on two years of me not being able to work, it’s time to do an “extensive” review of my case.  See what they have to determine is whether or not I can return to my own job, and then, if not what I might be able to do so long as the wages meet 70% of what I was making before I went off work.  Well damn it anyways!  I can’t even begin to explain the emotions and thoughts this letter has stirred up in me.  A lot.  Ah hell… I am crying thinking about it because just the idea of how to fill out that form swamps me and overwhelms my thought and emotion circuits.  And as I sit, thinking about that friggin’ form, I’m struck by the irony of the situation… ironic from a couple of view points….

• My job… I used to help people fill out these types of forms and I can’t even look at my own without feeling swamped.  How the hell could I even consider returning to my own job?  It’s all about forms and legislation and being able to pick things apart in a methodical and analytical way.
• Help for the form… the person filling in for me in my job could help me with my form, but there is no way in this lifetime I could ever go in and ask for help.  It just crosses too many barriers.

I feel lost and stranded.  I’ve looked briefly at the form and I just don’t see how to capture the idea that I have a life…. if you want to call it a life… I function…. mostly… but it’s not much of a life because I don’t do near the things I used to.  I spend much of my time tucked away some place safe because I don’t feel capable of going out too much… I have shifted my approach to life – choosing a lifestyle that keeps me away from situations that cause panic and anxiety.  How am I to capture that idea in a form?  I don’t know.

I dunno.  I’m feeling pretty on edge today with everything going on and I think it’s going to be an ativan day as I try to stop my panic from bubbling over into a total meltdown.

To cap it all off… I’m supposed to visit my folks today but I don’t think I’ll be doing that.  Too much on the go, so now I must phone them and give my regrets and let them know I’ll come for a visit tomorrow.

What a day.

Bye for now.

Frustrated!

Grrr…

I am upset, frustrated, hopping mad… disappointed… irritated…. and ready to cry…

All those things at once.. yes.

I went to see the bone specialist today for what I thought was a cortisone shot as we had already discussed the result of my shoulder MRI over the phone.  So, I trekked off to the Doctor’s which, as regular readers of this blog will know, is not exactly my favorite place to go.  I’d rather be on death’s door than have to go to the doctor!

I get there… and … and… for Pete’s sake… it’s a follow up to the MRI.  He tells me… “No major tears in the rotator cuff.  Yes, you have some impingement that is happpening because the tendons are inflamed and we see that there are bone spurs.”  He goes on to explain about cortisone, how it works, and if it might work and options open to me if the coritisone doesn’t work (surgery it seems.)

But but… then he tells me I have to make an appointment as the clinic to get the cortisone injected.

I’m still mad thinking about it.. I walked out of his office on the verge of tears.  I was so looking forward to trying to get some sort of relief for my shoulder.  I am so damn tired of the constant pain that I have lived with for over six months .. that affects everything I do.  I mean… I can’t even wash my hair normally… brush my teeth easily… hell… on a bad day, I can hardly do up my pants.  *siiiiiiigh*

So, I have an appointment for the 14th but for now, I’m trying to harness in all the feelings I have.  I really could just sit down and cry.

Bye for now.

In Case You’re Wondering…

Yes, I’m okay.

I’ve been battling that nasty bug, whatever it was… and this weekend was the first time I’ve felt semi-human in over a week and a half.  Hooray!

Hubby’s doing okay too.  He’s been sick, like me, but is feeling more like him old self… in many ways too… not just getting rid of feeling ill but his old self before his accident.  Not lots, for certain, but in little ways.  I remain hopeful that his journey will continue to be one towards feeling well.  It’s been an awfully hard six years… it would be so nice to have some sort of clear sailing in our future.

I go to see the bone doc this week – cortisone shots, I believe.  On one hand they sound really painful, but on the other hand, I think anything that doesn’t hurt like my shoulder has will be a good thing.  Should be a hell of a day when I go to get it done as it’s always group day.  I really hope that I’m not down for the count and can do the group.  I’ve missed it two weeks in a row and that’s not something I like doing.

Hubby’s disappeared on me until Thursday or Friday, leaving me to my own devices.  I’m not very happy about the extended away trip, but it’s necessary as he has to do some training.  I’ll be looking to keep myself busy while he’s gone.    There is no shortage of things to do… yard work, house work, finishing taxes (ugh!).. finishing sending in medical receipts (more ugh!)

Other than that… things keep ticking alone at a steady, even pace.  Nice to be stable even if it isn’t all about having beautiful blue sunny skies in my life.  I’m happy enough to stay out of the shadows for now.

Bye for now.