A Quick Post before Bed

Just a real quick one… *yaaaaaaaaawn*

Busy busy day…

Worked on some administrative stuff – extended medical receipts.  One of my most hated administrative tasks.  But it’s all done.

Trying to get more organized with uhh… well… I’m forgetful, so setting up a better system to help me remember when bills are due.

Went to the grocery store… was a real be-atch! Ugh.  I didn’t want to be there, not even a little but needed stuff for home.  Did the typical panic thing.  Got out of there as fast as I could.  With the aid of some Linkin’ Park and a beer, I managed to unwind at home.

Settled just long enough to head back out to the office supply place.  I had shredded the plastic mat under my computer chair and instead of getting annoyed because I couldn’t roll my chair around, it seemed prudent to just replace the mat.  Got the thing home and spent a half hour trying to uncurl the bugger because the store had it rolled up.  Will take some time before it sits flat, but at least now I’m not exploring my colorful vocabulary every time my comes to a dead stop.

Still struggling with irritability and grumpiness.  At one point in time today I thought I had it figured out why I was feeling that way but I’ll be damned if I can remember now.  Must not have been the right reason or it would have stuck with me.

So yeah… busy day.  Tomorrow’s support group day, so it will be busy too.  Also mentally prepping for hubby to go away on a two day road trip.  That always takes a little bit out of me.

Off to bed now.. 11:30 and I can hardly keep my eyes open and my yawns are creating a wind current through the house.

Bye for now.

Irritable as Hell

I’m suffering a huge case of irritability today… bad enough that I almost can’t stand myself.  Things I normally tolerate make me wanna snarl and the things that normally bug me, make me feel like I could go “Kaboom!”  I’ve been out for a drive already today to try to chase it away.  It seems to have succeeded for the moment but I still have that uneasy feeling about me … and that ‘uneasy’ feeling that I cannot quite find the words to describe is now beginning to cause a high degree of anxiety… more than anxiety really… I’ve dealt with one panic attack today and feel another building.

I know partly what the problem is and, even more difficult is knowing, there is nothing I can do about what the problem is… or not do something about it without causing all sorts of upset within the household.  I’m not sure that trying to do anything about it is worth two individual in the house being upset.  Or maybe it’s a case of right now is not the best time to talk about it.  Not while I feel the way I do and not while hubby feels the way he does.

The problem is a long running one …

Hubby has become used to … no, not become used to, has seemed to live in a world where people take care of him.  We’ve had many discussions about this… if you go in the kitchen, he will ask you to bring him something.  Not really a big deal in itself, but when he will wait until someone is in the kitchen rather than getting up and doing for himself, it becomes a problem.  This same approach goes for if he needs something from downstairs, outside… you name it, he will wait.  This behavior was further reinforced when he was sick – both with his cancer and with his accident, and although it is understandable that he needed the extra care and attention during these times, that he seemingly is unwilling to return to doing for himself is trouble and very frustrating.

So now he has returned to work, it has taken on a whole new level.  And I’m frustrated and puzzled as to what to do because now it’s as though he won’t take care of even his basic necessities.  Today, while I tried to get my day going (get up and do whatever the hell I can to be productive) I received silence from him … a pout even, I dare say.  I tried to figure out what was up.  Eventually I returned back to bed for a nap as I was feeling far too tired and recognizing that I was irritable, sleep was a good option.   I tried before I drifted off to get him to tell me, but it wasn’t until I rolled over, indicating to him that I was going to sleep that I got the story….

I’m sore.  I’m tired.  I didn’t eat dinner last night.

Well… grrrr…. really?  I had asked if he was tired earlier and he said no.  I could certainly understand him being sore – he had a long day and worked hard.  And yet, there were bits and pieces of this picture I didn’t quite understand.  “Did you take your pills this morning?” I asked.  “No.” was the reply.  “Did you eat dinner on the way home last night?” I queried.  “No.  I stopped for Al (his helper,) but I wasn’t hungry,” was his response.

*sigh* and another *BIG SIGH*

I can’t take his pills for him and he had been up to use the washroom.  As for being hungry, well same thing there.  Really what was going on here was his indirect ways of trying to get me to do things for him.  And while I would and many times do, I feel incredibly frustrated.  He is capable of taking care of his needs.  In fact… he MUST take care of his.

Some days I feel so bogged.  I have such a hard time trying to take care of my own basic necessities, that being handed the responsibility for his when he’s quite well and capable of taking care of them himself… it’s overwhelming.. frustrating… draining.

*sigh* I am NOT in a good way today.

Bye for now.

Music to Share – Backwards – Rascal Flatts

I’ll not often admit to too many people that I like country music.  Heck, for that matter a lot of people I talk to don’t even know what country music is.  Nevertheless, I came across this song today and listening to it made me laugh…

Backwards

by
Rascal Flatts

I was sitting on a bar stool
In a barbecue joint in Tennessee
When this old boy walked in
And he sat right down next to me
I could tell he’d been through some hard times
There were tearstains on his old shirt
And he said you wanna know what you get
When you play a country song backwards

You get your house back
You get your dog back
You get your best friend Jack back
You get your truck back
You get your hair back
You get your first and second wives back
Your front porch swing
Your pretty little thing
Your bling bling bling and a diamond ring
Your get your farm with a barn and a boat and the harley
First nite in jail with Charlie
Sounds a little crazy, a little scattered and absurd
That’s what you get when you play a country song backwards

Well I never heard it said quite like that
It hit me in the face cause that’s where Im at
I almost fell flat out on the floor
He said wait a minute that’s not all theres even more

You get your mind back
And your nerves back
Your first heart attack back
You get your pride back
You get your life back
You get your first real love back
You get your big screen tv, dvd and a washing machine
You get the pond and the lawn and the bail and the mower
You go back where you don’t know her
It sounds a little crazy a little scattered and absurd
But that’s what you get
When you play a country song backwards
Oh play that song
Woo!!!

We sat there and shot the bull
about how it would be
if we could turn it all around
and change this C-R-A-P

You get your house back
You get your dog back
You get your best friend Jack back
You get your truck back
You get your hair back
You get your first and second wives back
Your front porch swing
Your pretty little thing
Your bling bling bling and a diamond ring
Your get your farm with a barn and a boat and the harley
First nite in jail with Charlie
You get your mind back
And your nerves back
Your first heart attack back
You get your pride back
You get your life back
You get your first real love back
You get your big screen tv, dvd and a washing machine
You get the pond and the lawn and the bail and the mower
You go back where you don’t know her
It sounds a little crazy a little scattered and absurd
But that’s what you get
When you play a country song backwards

Nothing Special Happening – That is special!

Ha!  Yes it is special to have nothing special happening.

The last several weeks have been blissfully boring for the most part.  Can I say how happy that makes me?  Oh yes, it does.

I’m not saying that there haven’t been some ups and downs, and certainly, some of the downs have been really rough, but they have quickly been recovered from.  And I can’t help but think that the ability to recover from things so smoothly, so quickly is due to the lessened stress load in the house.

*sigh* Yes.  It would seem that kidlet being gone, as much as I love her, as much as I worry about her, is the best thing that could have happened in our house.  I feel guilty for thinking that, but it is true.  And it would seem, from what I have heard, that it’s been good for her too.  She’s working, dating, doing her own thing without worrying that her parents are watching over her shoulder to see what she does and with their own expectations for her successful living at home.  Everybody’s happier and it’s a great way to be.

Now, I’m able to start focusing on the things I need to focus on – long neglected things… physical health issues and mental health issues.  I’m not able to do too much about the physical health stuff except try to wait patiently for the results of my MRI.  I’ve phoned the specialist office trying to find out if they have the results of the MRI as I really want to get back to the gym.  Not that that return will be a rapid one – as obviously even if they don’t detect anything wrong with my shoulder that requires surgery to repair, I’m going to have to go really slow in rehabilitating it.  Perhaps I may need to go to physiotherapy first, but so long as I can get the okay, I will return to physical activity that involves my shoulder as soon as I can.  And it’s not a matter of wanting to, but it’s also a matter of “must” – I find physical exercise one of the greatest outlets for my stress… nothing quite like a 21 km bike ride to alleviate pent up frustration.

The mental health stuff.  That’s a little more complicated and I’m a bit perplexed as to where to start with it.  The winter months meant not going out for a walk every day with the dogs.  Not going out every day has left me on a bit of a backslide in terms of my agoraphobia.  It has been ever increasingly tough to go out.  While I still try to go out everyday, long gone are the days when I went out every day no matter what.   Morning coffees may turn into afternoon ones as that’s how long it takes me to finally rev myself up to get past feeling anxious.  I can only guarantee that I go out once a week but even then not always.  Seems easier, at times, to just stay home.  If it weren’t for the need for groceries and people that insist on phoning me and getting me out of the house, I would surely turn into a house hermit.  So, to make a long story short, I’m not sure where and how I’m going to work past this problem.   In fact, if I’m really honest about it – it scares the hell out of me more than I’ll ever be able to adequately find words to explain.  Guess that’s for puzzling over on a day … earlier in a day… time to sit down with a pen and paper and try to put some kind of plan in writing for I seem more capable of thinking out and following through on things written out.

So… generally speaking… things are good.  I’m fairly content.  Restless – but that’s nothing unusual for me and restless could be a good motivator on making inroads on the things I need to do to get back to where I want to be in life.

Bye for now.