Music to Share – Il Divo – I Believe in You

When times are tough, I often turn to music for comfort.  The following song, I Believe in You by Il Divo has helped lots.  I’m not the biggest fan of Celine Dion, but she’s not so bad in this song.

I Believe in You

Il Divo / Celine Dion

Lonely
The path you have chosen
A restless road
No turning back
One day you
Will find you light again
Don’t you know
Don’t let go
Be strong

Follow you heart
Let you love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you

Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There’s nothing that you can not do
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you.

Tout seul
Tu t’en iras tout seul
Coeur ouvert
A L’univers
Poursuis ta quete
Sans regarder derriere
N’attends pas
Que le jour
Se leve

Suis ton etoile
Va jusqu’ou ton reve t’emporte
Un jour tu le toucheras
Si tu croix si tu croix si tu croix
En toi
Suis la lumiere
N’eneins pas la flamme que tu portes
Au fonds de toi souviens-toi
Que je croix que je croix que je croix
Que je croix
En toi

Someday I’ll find you
Someday you’ll find me to
And when I hold you close
I’ll know that is true

Follow your heart
Let you love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe, I believe, I believe in you

Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There’s nothing that you can not do
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you.

Topsy Turvey

My emotions have been all over the map today…

Up, down, and once and a while in that coveted middle ground of feeling calm, cool and collected.

It’s been a hellish day, but I’m not regretting it.  The Crisis of Confidence I have been having has been affecting me in many different arenas – home, my family (brother,) my volunteer work (the support group,) and even in my online interactions.

It’s not been easy battling against this current crisis I have found myself in, because the only way I’ve found to battle the thoughts and feelings is to come right out and tell people how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that way.  It’s not that people set out to do things to make me feel the way I do – people are not like that, at least not the people I care enough to let close enough into my life to affect me that way.  And, I will be the first to say, I am the master of my own thoughts, feelings and actions.  It’s more about my own inner battle and then me perceiving the things people say and do as being confirmation of the way I think and feel.

It’s not been easy trying to sort that all out because what I had to do was completely let down my wall and let out the thoughts and feelings I have and the questions I have that are making those thoughts and feelings seem that they are based on anything more than my own internal self.  Trying to talk to people about things that I think, that I worry about and trying to let go of the worry of seeming like an irrational fool… very difficult for me.

I’m probably not making one iota of sense.  Usually happens after I have had an emotional day.  The thoughts are there but making sense of them is challenged by the mental fatigue I feel.

I think I’m going to have to view this day as a positive step for me.  Feeling tired and emotionally drained doesn’t feel good, but it’s positive because there was a point in my life where I would not say anything to anybody about the way I have been feeling.  I found a strength within myself to share even though it hurt like hell to share and I felt very exposed in doing so.  But in sharing, people helped me cover myself back up and maintain my dignity.  Sharing made me stronger and I’m glad for that.

Bye for now.

A Crisis of Confidence

Every once in a while, I experience a “Crisis of Confidence.”  Points in time where I question who I am, and really, whether I’m someone worth knowing, or even talking to.  It’s silly, really because I know that in the end, I’ll come out the other end, knowing that people are interested in me and yet, it is a thought which plagues me on a regular basis.

I can’t explain why it happens exactly, only that once the thought begins, it’s like an insidious virus that rapidly spreads throughout my whole being, causes not just thoughts of wondering whether I am someone people really want to know and talk to but it becomes a feeling of anxiousness and restlessness that causes me to find it very hard to focus.  I get so that I question people’s motivation in talking to me… is it because it is the expected thing to do?  Would they rather be somewhere else?  Speaking with someone else?

It’s a self-confidence issue.  This I know.  More, it’s a self-esteem issue.  Are not all questions of worth about self-esteem?

It’s a crisis that grows in intensity as I start to read more and more into long pauses in conversation.  As I question answers to questions asked and not really answered or completely missed.  It comes from discussions where something is being talked about but never gets resolved.  It comes when I feel that what it is I need to talk about is not seen as being important… or I should say I feel others feel is not important.

And really, when I think about it…. should it matter that others may not see what I see as being important?  Should it matter only that I feel something is important… to me? Do I derive my self-worth and my self-esteem from what others think and feel?

When I get feeling like this, I want to resort to old habits and re-erect that wall that I often talk about – the one that protects me from what others think and feel…. the wall that makes it so that, in the end, I don’t really care what other people think and feel about me.  It becomes a buffer between me and the rest of the world.  It protects my fragile self-esteem.

It would seem though, that while that wall has not ever been completely dismantled, there are parts of it that I cannot return to their previous status, no matter how hard I try.  This frustrates me because there are times where I feel a huge need to protect me … from me.

It’s interesting that when I think back to that essay, written 22 years ago now, I had identified that my wall existed to protect me, but I had never ever thought that it would be to protect me from me.  How is it that by keeping out others, that this can be a way to protect me?  And yet, as I think more, I know that this is indeed the case but the ability to explain how it performs in this way is beyond my capacity.  Perhaps, I don’t even totally understand it myself.  Not this part, I don’t.

So, from the rubble that sits on the floor of my mind… old bricks that used to comprise my wall, I pick up the pieces of who I am and what I think, and carefully hold them close to my being.  I tuck them back into the spaces of my mind and my psyche, all the while, I’ll be telling myself I am a silly fool to be thinking such thoughts and to have such feelings… that whatever it is that is causing these thoughts and feelings is something based on flawed and twisted thinking.  I’ll be telling myself that I need to accept that people actually like me for me and there’s no possible way that the people in my life could all be a part of it and not care and not love me for me…

It might take a while, but I’ll manage it.

Bye for now.

Appointment Yesterday

Psychiatrist appointment yesterday and I’m afraid I don’t really have anything significant to report from it mostly because it was exactly as I expected it would be…

“Hold the course”

Yep.  No medication changes, and really not much else we can do.

It was a good appointment though.  Don’t let my lack of much to say be an indicator to the contrary.  In fact, this appointment was one where, hmmm….   we actually talked for 40 minutes – a really unusual event.  And she let me vent, she asked lots of questions.  I surprised myself even by telling her exactly how bad things had gotten for me over the last while.  Told her stuff that I normally would not tell for fear of repercussions.

So that’s it.  Nothing spectacular to say.

Ah well, guess I can’t always have lots to say and this is one of those days.

Bye for now.