Goodbye to 2008

As I sit at home, counting down the hours and minutes until 2008 is past and I get to usher in 2009, I am reminded that I am no spring chicken any more as 12:00 midnight seems so very far away.  LOL.  They say age is only a state of mind… well for tonight, I feel 140 and not 40.  It very well may be that I greet 2009 with snores instead of a “hooray!”

I will be happy to be adieu to 2008 as it has been one of my most painful years in terms of life experiences.  Make no mistake – it has been a year full of wondrous events as well, but I’m seeking to take those wondrous things forward with me into 2009 and leave the painful events of 2008 behind me, a reminder of things I don’t want to go through again, only seeking to take the lessons I have learned from those events with me.

It has been a year of discovery for me.  Discovering that I am stronger than I thought, and yet, not quite as strong as I would like to be.  Not that this is a bad thing, because I’ve also discovered the sweetness and comfort of learning to lean on friends when times are tough; that I don’t have to be a tower of strength all unto myself.  I would say that this is the most important lesson I have learned.  Having spent almost all my forty years, learning to rely only on myself, to realize that sharing my load – my fears, my hurts, my anger with others, helps me to feel not so alone any more.  I’ve discovered that friends are the ones who don’t care if you have a crack showing in the oh-so-perfect exterior that you show to the world and indeed, they may appreciate you more for showing your vulnerability.

I’ve discovered strength in places I thought I would not have it.  Dealing with hubby’s accident and his ongoing recovery… struggling to understand kidlet and the way she seems to go out of her way to try to belittle who I am… observing and supporting family members as they go through their own battles in life.  Fighting past my agoraphobia and panic, determined that the world is mine to have if only I want it.  Accepting the times when I seem to take a step backwards as just a moment in time and not an indicator of where my life is going.

I’ve rediscovered some of my weaknesses too… the desire to retreat when times get tough.  The urge to lash out when I’m hurting.  But even in rediscovering those, these things have only served to remind me that I’m human… that I will falter… but more importantly I once again, reaffirm that there is strength within me … that allows me to step back for a bit, then assess once again who I am, what I want, where I’m going and how I’m going to get there.

To all my friends, all my supporters…. I want to say thank you for coming on this journey with me.  Thank you for your kind words, your attentive ear, and your warmth thoughts and love.  It could have been a lonely journey if not for those who have walked this road with me.

I look forward to 2009 and sharing it with you all.

Bye for now.

A&A

The Last Week and Looking Forward

I have spent the last week avoiding my blog.  Christmas has kept me busy.  Lots of family stuff to do.  The weather has been really cold, keeping me indoors much of the time.

I was going to leave my blog until the 1st, but based on how I’m feeling, I figure blogging can only help me try to sort out what’s going on.

I’m a mess.

No complicated way to describe that.  If people aren’t mad with me, then I’m upset with them.  I am so high strung that just the wrong word, said at the wrong time, and I’m apt to dissolve into tears or bounce off the walls with frustration and anger.  I’ve spent much of the last three days, packing a box of kleenex around with me.  When not that, it’s a matter of me playing guitar, trying to find just that perfect song to express myself.  My last resort for when feelings are overwhelming me is to give up and crawl into bed and pray that I can sleep.  Not that sleep has been easy in coming as I still struggle with screwed up sleep pattern.

Do I know what the problem is?  Not exactly.  I’m sure the usual culprits are involved – screwed up sleep, winter time means lack of sunlight, stress issues at home with both hubby and kidlet, and of course, Christmas stress.  There is a good chance that my current volatility is a case of post-Christmas blues, but I can’t even say for sure that that’s what is wrong.  There’s always the possibility that the last med change is influencing things as well, but I have to be honest and say that I don’t think that’s the case.  It could be because of everything being thrown into the mixer (my life) and being turned on full-blast, leaving me to figure out what to do… or hell, even if I want to do anything.

Sounds bad to not be sure you want to do anything, but underneath everything that is going on, I feel tired.  And I do mean tired.  Exhausted.  Burn out.  All circuits melted down.  And I know not else what to do except to do a major retreat.  And I do mean major.  Good chance that after this blog entry, I may not post again for a while.

I don’t know what to say or think. I think, then I cry for the silliest of reasons – at thoughts which I know are irrational yet upsetting nonetheless.

Thoughts of being irrelevant – superfluous – a burden – more trouble than I’m worth.

Thoughts of feeling like while people may need me, that need is far different than want.

Thoughts of I don’t really like myself very much.

I did say they were irrational, didn’t I?

I became upset with someone today, over a few words and some misunderstanding and because I’m super sensitive at the moment.  I had someone upset with me yesterday.  Oh yes.. and a different someone upset with me the day before that as well.  Kidlet’s always upset with me.  I see upset all around me and I want to run like hell.  I’m afraid of degree of my sensitivity and how little it takes to trigger me over into blubbering like a baby.

I can’t face people when I feel like this.  It’s painful.  It’s humiliating.  I feel vulnerable and exposed.

So why write a blog entry about it? Does that not expose me more?  Maybe.  Maybe not. Dunno.  It’s hard to imagine feeling any more exposed than I already do.

Right now… aside from me using my blog to sort out feelings, not that I feel like I’ve done much of that with this one…

But also… to those who have watched me do whatever version of a meltdown they have seen over the past few days… I’ll be okay.  I am okay, really.  It’s going to take a few days or so to get my bearings again.  To decide to unturtle myself and put my head back out of my shell.  Tactical retreat to the bomb shelter – protect me and everybody else from me.

When I come back out, I can only hope that everybody is still standing and I haven’t done too much damage to the relationships around me.

Bye for now.

Best Wishes for Christmas & the New Year (Blog Break)

I want to take this opportunity to wish all my friends, whether you be someone who randomly comes across my blog, or one of those who faithfully reads and who may or may not leave comments, a very Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years.

This past year has been one of many ups and downs for me, from the day to day of living with agoraphobia and bipolar, to the uphill battle of hubby recovering from his accident, even the joys and tribulations of raising an 18 year old with attitude   The success and triumphs – getting out of the house regular, going to the gym, regulating my lifestyle, making it to the mall. For me, sharing my joys, moaning about my blues… whatever the case has been, knowing I could come here and speak my mind has been beneficial to me.  Having people who care about me, taking the time to read, provide their support and feedback, means the world to me.  And while, sometimes people present a different view of what I may be thinking or feeling, I have come to appreciate and value this just as much as when people concur with my thoughts and feelings on a subject.

Through all that I have experienced, I thank everyone for their thoughtfulness, care and concern.  I hope that you all have the opportunity to enjoy the blessings of Christmas and that the New Year brings you continued joy and happiness, and affords you the opportunity to grow and prosper on whatever road you have set out on.

I will be taking a holiday break from blogging.  A bit of an unusual move for me, but I’m thinking the chance to not look at a blog page might be good for me.  My reason is in doing so is multi-layered – Christmas is a hard time for me and I don’t feel.. no.. it’s not that I don’t feel… it’s that I want to keep some of that struggle private.  It’s also so that I can focus on trying to enjoy my Christmas and can release myself from feeling that maybe I should blog about what happens.   It may be that if some dramatic happens (good or bad,) that I may blog, but I am saying that I am not expecting to be blogging.

Again, I hope you all have the most wonderful of Christmas’ and I’ll talk to you all in the New Year.

Bye for now.

Short and Simple

Not a long blog post today.

Am feeling quite weary from my sleep troubles of the previous night.  Have an early bedtime planned.

Today was a good day for me…

Got the house tidied up in preparation for my father coming to visit.  He stayed for a short while and then we headed out and had a delicious lunch at his favorite restaurant.  Topic of conversation ranged from books to movies to general every day events.

Hubby finally told kidlet today that she is a hair away from being asked to move out.  I have to say her attitude today was much more palatable than it has been over the past several weeks.  I’ve got my fingers crossed that the change will last, but I’m maintaining a realistic outlook, knowing that one day is but one day.  I know that it will be hard for her to maintain the way she was today over the long term.  In considering this, I am not expecting perfection, just effort.

Hubby meets with the compensation people tomorrow to do an assessment, the purpose of which will be to determine his disability and how it affects his future income earning opportunities… aka a pension.

Still have a few gifts left to buy.  Turns out my other grandchild has come back to town after being away for almost a year.  Her gift, a gift certificate for the other grandchild and hubby’s gift are what’s on the agenda.

That’s the day in a nutshell.  Short and Simple.

Bye for now.