The Slippery Slope Down

I feel the need to blog knowing that blogging helps me sort through thoughts and feelings which overwhelm me, but I don’t know where to start tonight.  I guess this is one of those times where the frequency of my blogging is an indication of things not going so well.

It’s been a disastrous evening.  To put it mildly.  It is but the sheer weariness that I am feeling that is preventing me from hopping in my car and drive… drive… driving away… to anywhere but here.  Vancouver sounds great, but oh it is so far away.  Even the closest city seems too far away for my low mood and lack of energy.

Yesterday the rehab people called for hubby and started to inquire with me as to how he is doing.  Well, I know he’s having a rough go and has pain issues, and I voiced this to the rehab person but I suggested that, as hubby had today off, a call today would be better so that they could talk with him.  Thing is – the rehab/compensation people…. you never know if what you are saying is going to count for or against you.  I didn’t want the mistake of passing on incorrect information to only have it come back and haunt hubby later.  I thought this was the right thing to do – to defer the conversation to hubby.  Seems hubby has a different view of the conversation and that I should have communicated to the person that he sleeps one whole day for every day he works and that he hates it.  Seems that I need to “support” him more.

When was I told this?  On the way out for dinner.  At one point, I hubby pulled over and I was ready to get out and walk home.  I didn’t need this crap.  I’m doing the best I can.  Seatbelt off, my hand on the handle, he finally acquiesced that it would not have been good for me to talk to the rehab person.  Too late.  Mood already in the gutter and I sat on my side of the truck fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall.

We carried on to where he wanted to go for dinner and proceeded through the drive thru.  Did I want anything?  No.  Afraid my appetite died with the disagreement in the truck.

I never did put back on my seatbelt.  First time in 40 years, I’ve driven without it.  I didn’t care.  I was so tired.  So weary.  So down.  I didn’t care if we were to have an accident, nor if we were to be pulled over.  An accident couldn’t hurt me any more than I was feeling emotionally at the time.  A ticket?  It’s just money.  In the bigger picture we call life, money means nothing.

I’m starting to wonder if I can do anything right with the family right now.  I have an 18 year old who doesn’t care about me, the family, the basic courtesies… not even sure she cares about her dad.  I have a husband, who although I love him dearly, seems lost in his own issues, forgetting that there are others around who are struggling with their own batch of troubles.  And I wonder, if I can’t do anything right by them (hubby and kidlet,) then why am I trying at all?  I realize on a rational level that these thoughts are irrational and nonsensical, yet I consider them.  That I consider them is serious – an indicator that I’ve stepped onto a slippery slope that I’m not sure I can find a foothold on.  And I’m trying really hard to care.  I am.  But I’m having a really hard time thinking it’s worth it to care.

I’ll stop my pity party now and go settle into a really hot bath.   One so hot that hopefully after it, I can sink into an even deeper and forgetful sleep.  Anything is better than my own thoughts at the moment.

Bye for now.

Things That Make Me Smile

Okay.  Even in the midst of awful times, some things will make me smile.  My grandson is one of those and he showed up today looking like this …

Music to Share – Blue Rodeo

As often happens when I’m at odds with myself, not really knowing if my mood is up, down, left or right, I end up exploring music land.  The following song, Dark Angel, is by one of Canada’s best bands (IMHO,) Blue Rodeo.  I don’t know that Dark Angel is considered one of their more popular songs, but regardless, it is a song I really like.  The acoustic version here is beautiful, and I am torn between choosing it over the piano version as I like both equally well.

Now often, I share songs with some sort of significance in my life, but this time, it’s only about liking the song.

Enjoy.

Dark Angel

by Blue Rodeo

I met this girl
She was walking through one of my dreams
She kissed my eyes
And everything that she said
Made so much sense to me
That I still feel like I’m half asleep

My dark angel
She gave me diamonds for eyes
She walked by
Now I’m hypnotised
By this dream
That just won’t stop
And I feel
Like I’ve always been lost in this dream

The rumours of heaven
Only speak the truth on earth
My dark angel
Shine your light on my curse
You are the other that I have to find
Until I do
I guess I’ll see you ’round my mind

So Colorado
Is a place I have to go
I heard a rumour
She loves the mountains and the snow
My dark angel
She gave me diamonds for eyes
My dark angel
I offer you my heart
My dark angel
I think I loved you from the start

‘Cause there’s this face that I know
That I’ve never seen
Sometimes I feel I’m livin’ in
Someone else’s dream
Still I thank you
For stopping to talk
And I wonder
Just into who’s dream did who walk
Oh my dark angel
Shine your light on me
Shine your light
Shine your light
Shine your light on me
On me
On me

There’s Gonna be a War in the House

I find my limits of tolerability are being sorely tested by the kidlet and I’m afraid my limits are a hairsbreadth away from being nudged up and over the “This is War” line.

Her attitude, to put it mildly, sucks.  It reeks of disrespect and disregard and of care and concern for only herself and her needs.

I’m a pretty tolerant person, but today I have told hubby he needs to talk to her or there shall soon be an all out war in the house.  I can stay quiet only so long.

Today as she got ready to leave the house, once again without saying “Hey, I’m going out.” I asked her when she was going to be courteous enough to let someone know that was happening.  Since the day she was denied being loaned money, I cannot count the number of times she has left without saying “hey,” “boo,” or “back later.”  On the surface, people may wonder why this is important… important beyond the courtesy level.  Well, a couple reasons really:  1)  We have an alarm system in the house; if I go out I need to know if anybody is in the house.  While I can verify this by going downstairs, I really shouldn’t have to.  2) What if there was a fire in the house; I would be left with the dilemma of deciding wether or not there was someone else in the house.  That’s two basic reason, but the bottom line is that it comes to a case of courtesy.  I left her know when I’m going out because it’s the right thing to do, and she should be returning that same courtesy.

What has really peeved me today and was the final straw in requesting her dad speak to her was when she insisted on talking to her dad this morning.  She appeared at the bedroom door, which I had closed to give her dad some peace and quiet while he recovered from working yesterday and having had a crappy sleep the night before.  I informed her that her father was sleeping and she asked what time he go home last night.  I said I couldn’t remember but that he was sleeping and to just let him be.  Ignoring what I said, she knocked on the door and went in and woke him up anyway.  I find out after that she had woken him up to ask him for money.  Grrrrrr!  That really peeves me.  Really really really peeves me.  I can’t use the words that I want to to describe it as my hair would instantly turn grey as would anybody’s who was reading this blog.  Not only had she ignored me and done what suited her purposes (waking up her Dad,) it was to borrow money (something we have told her we will not do any more AND she already owes us money.)

Now I suppose I should be stepping back from all the crap that she is pulling, but I am finding that most difficult to do.  When you live in the same house as someone who really doesn’t give a crap about you, who you are, nor the basic courtesies required to live successfully together, it grates on the nerves.  I know I should be withdrawing emotionally and putting up the barriers that will prevent me from being sucked into the discourteousness of the kidlet…. I know I should but there is just something about the way she is conducting herself that I find is really getting under my skin.

I suppose, as I don’t know that her father will even talk to her about the status of things – he is someone who prefers to keep the peace by pretending there really isn’t anything going on and that somehow I need to give the kidlet extra room because she is, after all, “immature” and I should be setting the example.  The only example I know is to pull back from the situation and numb myself to how it affects me.  What really sucks about this approach, is it is like denying who I am and that I have legitimate reasons to be upset.

*BIG SIGH*

I give up.  I really do.  I know how things are going to go… and I have at least four days of dealing with this crap all on my own as her father goes out of town tomorrow.  Life sucks, kidlet sucks, hubby’s refusal to deal with this situation sucks.  Hell, maybe I suck.

Bye for now.