Up & Down – a personal blog

Ever have one of those days where you wonder as to whether you should stay out of bed?  Where, as each hour passes, and things slowly slide down that slippery slope of “It’s gonna be a baaaaaad baaaaad day” that you hold out hope that things will improve?  One of those days, where when the phone rings, you are afraid to answer it lest a problem has mushroomed from slightly annoying to it’s gonna hours and hours and several million of my brain cells perishing to fix it?

Yeah… today is one of those days.

My mother-in-law coming for a visit is always a stressful time for me.  I know this, I prepare for it . . .  or at least I try to prepare for it.

There are several issues at play that contribute to my stress – 1) my private space is encroached on and 2) the cleaning that needs to happen before she arrives.  As simplistic as these thing sound, neither are easy for me to deal with.

The privacy/space issue is just something I have to suck up and deal with.  I have in past, and will this time too, take time to go for a walk or have a nap.  I’ve even retired to the bedroom for a rest where I will fire up the laptop and just zone out.  This need – I can’t explain it – but I have such a difficult time trying to maintain a conversation 24/7.  The times where I can just sit and say nothing and not feel obligated to entertain or engage are so important for my well being. I need “quiet” space.

The cleaning issue  . . .  Today I banged my shin in the exact same spot, with the exact same thing that I banged it with yesterday …  The pain I feel is more than the sum of two individuals hurts… sore spot upon sore spot.  Same idea with the cleaning issue – it is an old wound that I keep banging on a regular basis.  People are not helping out as much as they could around the house, and I, like an idiot, keep on cleaning… only to blow a gasket when the pressure finally hits because company is coming.  I end up feeling resentful and angry, wondering why it is that I am being left with the bulk of the work when I am only one of three individuals living in my house.  I get so angry that I end up bursting into tears – frustration to the nth degree.

Adding to my frustration level… my anger level is .. is.. how do I explain?  I was sick, and am still sick… have been for approximately two weeks now.  Last week I did manage to scrape together enough energy to clean my kitchen resulting in me upsetting myself in the same way I feel today… looking at the mess and wondering what the hell people are thinking?  Or even more so… are they thinking above and beyond their own needs?  *big big biiiiig sigh*  I can’t help but think they aren’t … and even in thinking this I wonder about myself – am I so stupid that I give and give and give and have not much left in the end for me?  Do I have a right to be upset and cry if I am putting myself into the same situation over and over again?  Is this what we call dysfunctional and I am a part of the problem?

I get the queasy feeling in my stomach that I am as much to blame for the current situation as everybody else in my house is, but I feel powerless … all plumb out of ideas as to how to change it.  I can change my own actions, alter my own thoughts, how I will deal with things, but being the only one making those changes can be overwhelming and has in past led to me having a mental and emotional breakdown.

I just don’t know.  I don’t have the energy right now to deal with it.  I am resisting the urge to hop in the car and just drive and drive and drive.  So maybe it is time to go to bed for a while… try to get my emotions and frustration in check before I do melt down.

Bye for now.