It’s been a hellish couple of days…

Between my mood fluctuating all over the place and some physical stuff going on, I’m ready to find a hole to crawl into until someone taps me on the shoulder and says it’s all over.

Kid stuff - I’m still adapting to having a kid back in the house - a hormonal teenager at that. Sometimes I think the combination of the kid’s hormones and my chemical imbalance is just a disaster waiting to happen. We had a bit of an issue the other day and while I’m not going to go into the specific details of what happened, let’s just say that I observed a pattern of behavior by all three parties (me, husband, kid) and that I have decided that the only way things will work in our house is if I am the one who breaks this pattern of behavior. It does, after all, seem easier if I change what I do rather than trying to point out to two other people (husband and kid) about how what they are doing is contributing to a … well…. a situation destined for failure.

Hubby stuff - he finally talked with is doctor and is arranging to see the counselor to deal with some Post Traumatic Stress issues. Hallelujah. I’ve been suggesting he needs more help for a while, and at last, someone is listening. They’ve also adjusted his anti-depressants and other medications a little bit.

Me issues - well, I’ve been battling my Irritable bowel the last couple of days. I don’t know if it is completely diet related or if it is diet (yeah yeah.. I should not eat hotdogs) and stress related. Probably the combo. I could also be coming down with something as I have been feeling just a little green around the gills.

Tonight has been mentally exhausting. I was to go to a going away dinner for a colleague, but I ended up not going. I feel bad about that but… I just don’t think it was meant to be. Between the Irritable bowel… and a rather cruddy discussion I ended up having with hubby, I became far to upset to even consider going. And while I would have wanted to pursue the conversation further with hubby, *shrug* this too was not meant to be. He also seems to have some kind of bug and ended up hurling in the bathroom at the culmination of the first round of our conversation.

I got a whole lotta thoughts in my head and my emotions feel a little raw. I finally divulged to hubby that there are a lot of days where I look for the reasons to keep on going, and that most days I really couldn’t care. He, unfortunately and naturally, took that as what I think of him and I and our relationship. Really it isn’t… and while most times I have a pretty good handle on these thoughts and feelings, if the right string is pulled, that kind of stuff just tumbles out of my mouth. And… even more confusing to me, is it is how I feel a good part of the time, but I know this is the irrational part of my brain speaking - the part being affected by my mood disorder - the part whacking my thoughts in all directions. I know on a rational level that life is not like that, but there are THOSE times where that is EXACTLY how I feel. I dunno. I don’t want people to worry because it’s not as though I am looking for ways to end my life.. ‘cuz that’s not how I feel… I .. just .. right now… life feels kind of empty, and I feel a little bit worthless - not working, not being able to go out much… and a whole kazillion other things which are contributing to me feeling like a pile of poop.

And yes, this to I know shall pass… these feelings…. and I feel confused and angry because the logical part of me is overruling the emotional part … because I also feel there is no room for the emotional part in my life.

Anyways, this babbling idiot shall sign off.

Bye for now.