Now What? The Kid Returns?

I’ve been dealt a bit of a “Rocker and Shocker” today. *BIG BIG SIGH*

Even as I begin to write this entry, I know that people are going to tell me that I have a choice and a say in the matter at hand. Yes, I know that. But let me also state, that life does not ever seem to be made up of a bunch of simple “yes” or “no” answers . . . not for me, and I think, not for many people. I believe that life is a series of shades of grey – somewhere in that murky vision is the “almost completely right” answer. Somewhere… but…. usually, there is no true right or wrong decision.

The big discussion of the last two weeks or so has been the fact that my 18 year daughter wants to move to live with her mother, some 500 miles away. While my hubby and I were not hip on this move – the cost of living where she wanted to move to is extremely high, getting a job there more difficult, and her mother’s living arrangements leave a little to be desired – we would have supported her in her decision. She is afterall almost 18 and old enough to be making these decisions.

Hubby and I discussed a little bit behind what was/is motivating her to move, and like any young adult, she was/is trying to escape some of her problems. Apparently, or what I’ve been told, she has also decided that she wants to return to school but cannot afford to do so while living with someone else and having to pay rent, food, etc.

I can’t remember exactly how the topic got brought up, but hubby told me that he had mentioned to the kid about the option of moving back home…. and then, he and I talked about it some too. This discussion, by the way, happened not more than 24 hours ago… and during this discussion, I stated that I did not think that this child, let’s call her Sue, should move back home. While she has grown and matured some out on her own, I did not think that there had been too much that had changed with her way of thinking or her way of behaving. Afterall, it was only 9 months ago that she had come to stay with me (during her Dad’s stay in hospital from his accident) and even then, she could not see fit to respect me nor our house rules. She only lasted a couple of months and was asked to pack up her things and find a more permanent place (she had only needed temporary shelter.)

So, today, imagine my surprise today when I overhear bits of a conversation, where I know my hubby is talking to Sue and he tells her she needs to talk to me to work things out if she is to come to live with us. Granted, he told her a whole lot of other things to… “you can’t be doing sleepovers all the time,” “you have to follow house rules… ” etc…

Well, I’m still stunned. And I have told hubby that I have to absorb what they are asking from me.

I’m afraid too… I feel like my mental status is very much on the “edge” of things… and I’m not sure how having an 18 year in the house is going to impact this. It has the potential of going either way… beneficial or detrimental.

I also, and this might sound selfish… I don’t care… , see any “me time” – the time I have been setting aside to take care of me, slipping away. Shoot.. life is hard enough with an adult in the house that needs my help without adding a teenager into the fray. *BIG BIG SIGH*

Nope, there isn’t an easy answer. Many people, my family included, tell me I should say “No.” I’ve dealt with this situation before. “No” is a simple answer to a complex problem.

I suspect that the answer in the end will be “Yes but . . . ” and then a whole list of conditions. I will be talking to hubby to determine what those “buts” are… the things that will make our house a semi-functioning one (I am not imagining for even one minute that our house will be drama free) … and we will come up with a plan of approach. In fact, I will actually be sitting down to write out those conditions … they will be my sanity saver – the one thing I can revert to when all else seems to be falling apart.

And oh yeah – I’m really hoping I don’t have to use that list, but the skeptic in me . . . well, the skeptic in me won’t shut up.

I’ll end things here. My mind is buzzing at a million miles an hour. I have a counselor appointment tomorrow – she’ll probably tell me all the stuff I’ve already mentioned including that I have the right to say “No.”

We’ll see.

Bye for Now.

I haven’t been posting because …

. . . I definitely got some hypomania happening, perhaps something a little more accelerated that hypomania.  That’s making it hard to focus on something like writing.

. . . There’s been enough going on that I wouldn’t know how to easily sum everything up, so it seems easier to leave it alone.

. . . I’m not exactly sure what to share with anybody at the moment.  It all seems to be the same ol’ same ol’ kind of thing.

. . . I’m feeling a tad on the blog burnt out end of things, so a break was in order.

Anyways . . .

The hypomania thing is taking it’s toll.  I have become, or tried to become vigilant about my spending habits and my need for speed while driving.  Both things are big red warnings signs that I am feeling much zippier than normal.  It is only in the last week or so that I figured out that a recent medication change might be partially responsible for my mood, so I’m in the process of reversing that change.

I had a call from the Canada Pension Plan (CPP) people on Thursday informing me that my CPP disability pension has been approved.  Monetarily, this does not have any significant if any impact at all . . . I don’t believe my CPP pension is more than my Long Term Disability (LTD,) and the LTD company only supplements my income to the rate they determine.  So, dollar for dollar, the CPP pension will be deducted from what I get from the LTD company.  I’m okay with that.   I went through the myriad of emotions with the acceptance under the CPP disability pension – pretty much the same as I had when the LTD was accepted…. a real mishmash of feelings.  Happy that it had been accepted, yet sad that things are bad enough to allow me to go on disability pension.  I guess I don’t wanna rehash it all at this moment… I’ve kinda tucked those feelings away in a place that is safe till I can talk to the counselor about it.

So… it’s been busy.  I’ve been trying to keep grounded, but it’s not always easy … and before I write a book . . .

Bye for now.

Lots of Panic Attacks

I’m frustrated.

The last couple of weeks have been totally hellish for anxiety (generalized… felt all the time) and panic attacks – at least 2 or 3 a day.  I’m about ready to … well I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I guess I should probably pull out the tracking sheet and try to figure out exactly what is triggering them, but I think I kinda already know.  And, more so, the attacks seem to be rolling in powerful enough that well… I only seem to recover from one, get my generalized anxiety back down and the next one hits.

I … okay…. I know the factors… hypomania, time change…. hubby stressors… work stressors… feels like everything is kinda crashing in around right now and well…

It’s not like I feel bad depressed… I feel frustrated.  The  anxiety is bad enough, that I’m having a hard time sitting still for any length of time.  I feel irritable as hell too.

Oh heck… who am I kidding.  I am pretty sure that much of my anxiety is rooted in they hypomania.  As I write and the little lights go on in my head… it’s like “oooooohhh yeah.”

Well damn.

Damn!

Bye for now.

My Little Friend Hypomania

Well hmm… wouldn’t ya know it… my little friend hypomania has paid me an unexpected visit and I feel like petulant child about it – I don’t really wanna give it up even though, I know I must. Because if I don’t, at the rate things are going, I will escalate rather rapidly from feeling pretty giggly and happy to full blown rapid cycling.

I came to understand the state of things while talking with my counselor today.  Not to say that I didn’t  know at all what was going on, just that sometimes it takes me sitting and talking with someone who will listen to me babble on and on before it finally clicks home and I go “Oh!  Holy cow!  Really!!!?!!”

My appointment with the counselor really was a rambling affair.  We, or I should say “I,”  talked about what must have been 20 different things in the span of an hour.  Trust me when I say that for me to talk about any one thing for three minutes – virtually impossible, so the end result was a rather disjointed conversation where I bopped from one topic to the next.  I think they call what I did “pressured speech.”  In fact, I’m pretty sure that is what it was.

When I get like this, where one topic leads to another and I am not quite able to finish what I was talking.  Heck, I think it even shows in my writing a bit… the idea is … hmm… how to explain.. the following example might help . . . say I was asked what I had for dinner the night before:  I could start out by talking about how we had roast, potatoes, gravy and peas and then lurch off into describing how I wanted to have corn but could not find the corn, and I was certain I had corn because I remembered buying it the last time at the store . . . but when I was at the store, I didn’t buy just corn, I also made sure I went to the arts and crafts aisle and bought some stuff there because while I was looking at the corn I was reminded of how I wanted to learn to draw because one of the first things I ever tried drawing was an experiment with light and shadows with a cob of corn . . .

I hope this sorta explains it.  I know it’s not a good description and I apologize for that.

So, what am I to do?

Hmm… sleep yep.  Clozapine should fix most of that issue even though I am loathe to take it.

Tracking my moods. Silly me, the counselor gave me a booklet to track my moods, sleep, etc but I seem to have forgotten it on the counter at the mental health office while I was booking my next appointment.  I have managed to find the one she recommended online, so at least I’ve saved myself a return trip to her office.  Probably just as well as I don’t know that driving in my distracted state is a good thing.

My thoughts are a tad jumped so I’ll stop while I’m ahead.  Just because i yacked my counselor’s ear off doesn’t mean  need to embarrass myself with my ramblings here.

Bye for now.