Slightly on the Edge

This post is one of those that has taken me several days to write.  I’m feeling like I have writer’s block… or maybe it’s more like an emotion block… maybe it’s more a case of denial… but here goes.

My mood has been on the cusp lately. I pretty much feel like it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge – one little nudge and I’d probably collapse into a ushy gushy pile of tears. I feel as though I am almost too much in touch with my emotions. A melancholy is stealing over my being and stealing away my firm grasp of logic; my order on how the world works.

I’m cued to respond to music. Slow, moody stuff can trigger me into feeling really sad, so I am listening to uppity perky stuff. Yet, my iTunes which is set to play randomly finds those sad songs. Mostly, I hit the fast forward button seeking out a faster song to listen to, but there is another part of me that wants to listen to that sad stuff. I feel like a butterfly drawn to the flame – knowing that if I keep listening to that music I could quite easily spiral down into some place I don’t want to go.

My emotions are best mirrored by the contradictions in music; the juxtapose of sad against angry. Funny that it isn’t sad against happy, huh? Yeah, I click the through angry music too … triggers the emotions too much. I call these days a “Linkin Park” day… their music covers such a broad range of emotion.. from angry/depressed as in “Given Up” to perky/having a rockin’ good time as in “Bleed It Out.”

My mood is affecting my agoraphobia more than I would like to admit… I don’t want to go out.  I do pretty much anything I can do to avoid it.  And, deep inside, I get angry at myself for not going out because I know that is exactly what I must do.

“You’ve got to fight against it.”

That’s what my husband said, and it makes me cry to think about him saying it.  It means he’s finally clicked in to how bad it really is.  And, I don’t even know if I can fight it because he says I should.  It seems easier right now to hide back in the house – away from all that causes my panic.  Away from the responsibility of others wanting stuff from me.  But… but…

There’s always a but, isn’t there?  I’m not being allowed to do that.  There is the pull … the constant knock of reality on my front door.  Even though I try to tune it out, it’s there…

Visit family (doesn’t matter how you feel.)  Get groceries (you have to eat.)  Go to doctors and counselors (lest it become too obvious how hard things are.)  Obligations and commitments.

I have an appointment tomorrow with the psychiatrist.  Yep, I do.  And I’m not certain even how to explain about the pervasiveness of the agoraphobia.  How now it is permeating every aspect of my life… how it is combining into a icky black mass with depression.  That mass feels like an emotional black hole – sucking every emotion in and spitting it back out into nothingness.

I’m sorry if this post seems like a “pity” post.  It’s not meant that way.  I’m frustrated by the status of things.  Irritated that things are this way.  Depressed and dejected as I look at all those little things I have drawn pure pleasure from that seem so far away at the moment.  Angry that I seem helpless to do much against it.  And silly enough, I’m worried and concerned because I don’t want people to worry about me.  Afraid – afraid of sharing how deep the feelings run.

I feel a bit like someone on a treadmill – slowly the speed is being turned up and eventually I fear I might end up being spit off the back end of the treadmill ‘cuz I can’t run that fast.

I don’t want people to worry about me.  That’s a good part of why I don’t share how I’m feeling.  I feel everybody has their own share of woes and worries without having to think any of mine.  I also feel that these are things I should have control over, so sharing them … why?  I was also raised to be independent – a stiff uppper lip… no crying now… take it all in, and keep on trucking.  Yeah… thanks everybody… that works… most of the time.

I keep a stiff upper lip.  I keep a cheery disposition for most to see.  It is what people are used to seeing.  It is what I am used to showing people.  To show anything else is a weakness.

Blah.  It’s a rotten state of things right now.

Bye for now.

Hidden ‘Diseases’

 

“You look like you’re okay. You made it here.”

That was a comment I received from the dietitian today referencing my disclosure of the agoraphobia and panic problems I have. She didn’t mean it in a bad way, but I find myself thinking on it, and I wonder… “What do I have to look like for people to think it’s not okay?”

I wonder.

Do I do that good of a job masking it? To me, it is excruciating being out of the house. Going to the hospital, despite outwards appearances, I was ready to bolt. One little thing that would have gone wrong, and I would have melted down on the spot. I sit and talk about all the things affecting my wellness and how they link in with my diet, and I have a thousand different strings of thought going through my head. I’m trying to put all the pieces together. I don’t feel put together.

I don’t look like what?

“Sometimes you get little hints of people and their diseases even if they don’t tell you.”

What!?! Another comment made by the dietitian, not meant in a bad way either. Maybe I’m just in a bad way. And I feel confused because part of me wonders what it is about myself that might make it obvious to another that I have a ‘disease’ and the other part of me wants people to understand I do have a ‘disease.’What the heck is up with that?

I felt frustrated, angry, and yes, even humiliated during my appointment.  The dietitian is not responsible for that.  No.  Nobody is. . . I think. Well, maybe I am – my own perceptions and feelings on things – how I feel about me.  Vulnerable.  Exposed.

I made her job complicated as we talked about my dietary difficulties.  Easy enough to determine that I either have a gluten problem (Celiac Disease) or Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  Throw in some lactose intolerance into the mix, and it’s a fine mess.  Just for fun though – let’s not forget to include medications in the formula and oh yeah, there’s the wee little problem with going to the grocery store.  Oh wait… I almost forgot – there’s a slight motivation problem with wanting to even cook. *sigh*

Exercise, weight, caffeine, eating 3 meals a day . . . And somewhere in there, work it all in with the way life is already going.

I will – of course. Always do. That’s what I have to do. Not because it feels good. Not because I want to. In fact, some days I wonder why I do it at all… but it does just seem like what I’m supposed to do … and some days I make it look easier than it is?

Maybe that’s why people say . . .

”You look like you’re okay.”

How I feel today

To My Fellow Bloggers

I do apologize to all my fellow bloggers – I have not been able to read your blogs lately. No concentration. Motivation is a little on the low side too. But mostly concentration.

I still try to peek in now and then, so know that I’m still trying to keep an eye on things.

Keep on bloggin!