Upsetting Day – Repost

I’ve been thinking for a while about setting up a personal blog – a place to let it all hang out ‘cuz sometimes I just need to. A place to talk about the stuff I don’t share anywhere else. Nothing fancy, just simple but the things I share here will not necessary be simple.

I live a complicated life…

I’m married, almost 11 years; work full time; live with a mental illness – bipolar disorder. Take all three, throw them in the blender, and well, you basically get another big mess. Most of that time, the mess is under control – everything well in hand – emotions tightly reined in, family life fine tuned, work life productive. Most of the time.

Maybe today I’m starting the blog because of upheaval – yup. ‘Tis so. I’m thinking that I like blogging therefore this may be come a regular blog that I write on – a chance to try to put everything down; place it in perspective; it really can’t all be as bad as today.

Today… today is a suck ass day. I’m not gonna cry a sob story – what’s the point? Who listens anyways.

Today is Monday. A day typically set aside for “family night.” Family night is our chance to have the kids over and watch some TV together. Not very formal – generally easy going. Usually.

This week is a rather brutal week in terms of the things I must do. Work has me committed to hours above and beyond my usual. Doesn’t happen often but does. Today, I am tired. Today, I am emotionally exhausted. Today I wanted to ask that we don’t have a family night. I didn’t really see too much wrong with that request. At least “I” didn’t see much wrong with it – others did. Apparently, my request is unreasonable… still don’t understand why. Today I tried to share my feelings about being exhausted, wanting downtime… today is the last day I shall share those kinds of feelings again. Might be the last day I share feelings at all.

Yes, I know that I’m feeling pretty raw and emotionally on the edge. I know that I will probably come back and re-read this blog and say to myself “What were you thinking?” I know this, but today I am living in the raw emotion of feeling like I don’t matter.

Today I have been told that I don’t care about my family. Today I have been told that I am selfish. Today I have been told many hurtful things.

Today as much as I cry, I in some inner recess of my being, I just don’t care no more. Today, I cannot care because if I care, I will want to tell everyone to go away and leave me alone and that isn’t the answer either. Today, I will withdraw into my own world of hurt… maybe tomorrow will be different?