An End to Blogging

I sit tonight, pretty messed up – a whole torrent of emotions running through me.  Life is screwed up, very screwed up.

I’ve had yet another fight with hubby – big surprise there.  We’re back into the same routine – he works, he comes home, he sleeps and not much else.  I pick up the slack.. answer the door, collect packages, shop, do running around for the kids, look after the pets… and I’m depressed about it all.

I’m angry and I’m frustrated – by all the things I can’t do that I used to do .. about all the things I want to do and can’t do… of the things that are so much effort… things I had sort of accepted as “that’s just the way it is.”  Only now I realize that was my way of rationalizing away how much it hurts to not be able to do them.  Things impeded by the agoraphobia and by the shoulder pain.  It makes life look like one big screw up… one big mess that I don’t feel I have the skills, energy or strength to sort.

As I think about these things, I look at my blog – the lack of activity – the lessening desire to try to share what I see as a life lacking so much.  At first, I thought I had something to share and blogging helped me sort through things…. helped to make sense of my world when things were swirling about in a fast and furious mixed up pace.  Now, I look at my blog as something I just don’t give a damn about – pretty much lining up with much of the rest of my life.  There really isn’t much to give a damn about.

I won’t be posting to this blog any more.  I will leave it up on the blogosphere for now… maybe there is something contained in all I have written that can help others… it did help me at times… but now, it’s time to retire it.

Thank you to all who have read faithfully.  Your reading and your support and comments have meant a lot to me.

Bye.

Sick sick sick

Well, unlike previous times where I haven’t blogged for a while because I just didn’t feel like it, the long pause in providing details of my trip to Mexico is due solely to be sicker than a dog.  I’ve been back almost two weeks now and finding the energy to blog seems to be eluding me.  Not that I haven’t been up and about, but I can’t focus.

I returned to see the doctor yesterday because I am still feeling so crappy to find out from him that he now figures I have H1N1.  Well, H1N1 or otherwise, it doesn’t really matter.  I’ve spent much of my time at home … I guess Agoraphobia is good for one thing … the odds of me passing what I have to anyone else is greatly diminished.   Now I’m in a holding pattern as I wait for my chest to clear up and hopefully find some energy sometime soon.

The visit to the doc was dual purpose… seems my good shoulder is giving me troubles now.  The troubles first surfaced in Mexico and I thought I had just slept wrong.  Since I got back it has come and gone twice now … the pain and inability to raise my arm past shoulder height.  It feels identical to the pain and trouble I am having in the shoulder that I am waiting for surgery on.  So, now I have a referral going back to the specialist for him to have a look at my other shoulder.  My frustration levels are running pretty high – having one shoulder out of commission was bad enough and affecting my functioning level, but having two in the same condition leaves me at a loss. I really don’t know how I am going to cope.  So I will be waiting to go see the specialist … again…. waiting to get an MRI… again!  The Canadian medical system is great, don’t get me wrong, but this idea of waitlists for specialists and surgical procedures is very trying.  I can say now that I don’t know how I’m going to cope but not much point in that – there always seems to be a way to cope and it’s only done one day at a time.

Hubby and I have had some major humps and bumps since we got back.  His behavior was really erratic and volatile.  It was only after a major blowout that left me reeling that he came to me and told me he was still not taking his blood pressure pills or his antidepressants.  I don’t know about the blood pressure pills, but the antidepressants being SSRI’s would explain much of what happened.  It was horrendous and I won’t go into details – I’ll only say that with the things he said I was ready to pack my bags and leave.

Not much else to say, really.  I’m surprised I’ve kept my thoughts together long enough to blog this out.  I promise – pictures from Mexico soon.  For now, let me share a picture I snapped the other night.  While sharing my nighttime snack with the dog, she made me laugh – I can always tell when she really likes what I’m eating because she sits up on her back legs and waits like this for the next tidbit….

Gopher Puppy Waiting for Treats

Been Sick

Been really sick so haven’t posted anything about my Mexico trip.  Have only managed to just check the pictures we took this evening.  The following one makes me laugh.  The resort had a small zoo where they looked after animals that could not return to the wild.  This ostrich was a feisty bugger who would try to snap at your over the fence if you got close enough.

Last few hours …

Passing the last few hours in Mexico. Chatting and drinking margaritas. Home in 11 hours. Yayyyy!!!!

Little frustrating tho … The hotel cancelled our room keys before checkout time which meant convincing the maid to let us back in our room. Everything is packed … I thin lol

looking forward to getting home bit not the change fro
sunny blue skies to snow on the ground. Yuck!

Bye for now.