I Thought He Was Getting It

I had .. have… not sure which tense to use at the moment, been feeling very positive about the way things have been going with hubby.   Our trip to the inlaws had bolstered my confidence… our trips out and about there and the little things he would do .. that squeeze of my hand, the arm around my waist as he sensed my anxiety levels climbing…

I thought he was finally starting to understand the challenges of my Agoraphobia…

I thought the counselling was making a bit of a difference too… we’ve been closer lately… sharing cuddle time, talking lots…

Then the last two days happened… not today… Yesterday and the day before…

It all got started with a phone call from the dentist…

In a few months the benefits I have available through work will come to an end.  Unless they have changed the rules, after two years, I will switch over to paying for my own medical… at the same time I will lose dental and extended medical.  Hubby’s reply to this was … “Well maybe you’ll be ready to go back before then.” and then… “How are we to have a good retirement?”

Hell and damnation, man!  My jaw dropped open and then I became upset, and I asked him had he not been listening to me over the past while.  Did he not understand that my Long Term Disability meant that the doctors had said I wasn’t able to work?  *sigh*  Thus ensued a big long debate … me hurt and me feeling like he just wasn’t listening.

I ended up leaving and going for a drive… my usual… drive around in a circle with no real place to go… no place I feel safe and no place I could go to to unload the thoughts and feelings crashing around in me.

I came home and sent hubby an email.  It wasn’t so much a discussion – I talked about my feelings some, but mostly it was a big long series of questions… “Do you think this is what I envisioned for my life?  Do you think I enjoy not being able to go out?  Do you realize how much I miss work?  my friends?  my sports?  my schooling?  Do you understand there were a whole bunch of other stressors which added to the difficulty of what I already deal with?  How do you think I’ve dealt with being told that I can’t work?  Do you realize there are many days I sit at my computer and I cry?  Do you realize that this often happens when you think I’m sitting at my computer goofing off?”

He asked to talk to me for a bit yesterday… we hadn’t talked much since the blow out.  I was feeling too hurt prior to that – so much so that I even slept in the spare bedroom.  And when I went to talk to him, he started it again… “I read your email BUT… you need to understand my point of view.  I’m not sure if I’m going to make it another 15 years of working.  The accident has really taken it out of me.”

*big big sigh*  I told him that I did indeed understand his point of view and I consider it all the time.  I told him that I was feeling like he wasn’t taking my disability seriously, that it felt as though he were viewing it as something less than “real” .. that somehow I was supposed to be able to “snap out of” … and that it felt as though he was saying his issues were somehow more important than mine.  I explained to him, probably more bluntly than I ever have before, that the other stressors in the house that added to where I’m at now include his accident and the stress and strain of the youngest when she was at home.  I explained that he may not like hearing that (and indeed he didn’t) but he was going to have to deal with it, accept it, and then maybe we could move on.

I really do understand why he is having a hard time with the Agoraphobia… he said to me he has a hard time because he sees it as “selective”… because I manage to get out to visit my brother, sometimes a trip to the Farmer’s Market, or if I’m lucky – a concert with my friend.   He’s not able to see several factors here:

1. All the other stuff I do that is not fun – grocery shopping, paying bills, going to appointments
2. The anxiety I feel when even going to these events – although in the end enjoyable, cause a huge amount of anxiety
3. I only get to these events because I have someone on the other end supporting me – they understand the anxiety/panic/Agoraphobia and do what they can to help me get through it
4. There is a huge reduction in the amount of time / occurrences where I go out.  In past, I would be out of the house from 8am until 5pm, and many times, in the evening… as much as I could… I even used to be called the “Gallavanter” because I never sat still and my car engine never grew cool.

For me, I can do these activities because they are:

1. Infrequent
2. Supported
3. Short term
4. Something I can cancel/reschedule

I thought that maybe it was because they were less stressful, but they are not.. not even close.  The anxiety/Agoraphobia changed that for me – a long time ago.. blah!  Work… work is different… work requires me to be in contact with people I don’t know, on a regular basis, every day… and work is high stress.  I tried to explain this to him.  I’ll be trying again….

At the end of our discussion, we went and did our own things.  Me once again, frustrated, continuing to feel hurt… him… I don’t know what he was feeling… but….

Gosh we talked about so much… in the end he said he was trying to express his feelings and he’s trying to deal with it.  I understand that… I really do.. hell, I do really.. it is something that provokes lots of feelings.  I suggested to him that expressing your feelings is one thing, but telling someone they “want to be” that way is another.. that I felt like he took me and chewed me up and spit me out into little pieces.

We walked away from it for a while, but yes, we did finally make peace.  He says he’s trying to understand and it’ll take time.  For me, I want so badly for him to understand… I guess I take my comfort in seeing that he really is trying.

An interesting post note to our discussions was one regarding my actual LTD.  It seems that hubby was under the impression that my actual monetary amount of my LTD was going to be reduced.  I can understand why this would be cause for concern and I clarified for him that it is only the dental and extended benefits that are going to change.  And yet… I feel conflicted too… that the upset is because of what ‘money’ I might bring in?  *sigh*  Doesn’t really matter… we’ll work on one thing at a time.  For now, it’s to try to help him to understand my Agoraphobia.  The money stuff is taken care of and so there’s no point in worrying about that.

I’ve probably butchered the events of the last two days… so hard to sum it up in something that makes sense.. oh welllll….

Bye for now.

About Anxiety and Panic

With all the difficulties I have had with hubby, it’s occurred to me I have never really described very well what my anxiety is like for me – not to myself, not to the counsellor, not to the doctor, not to hubby… and maybe one way I help people understand is to try to find some way to describe it, and how it affects me day to day.  I don’t know why I’ve never tried to describe it – because it is something intangible?  It’s hard to describe that doesn’t seem concrete – you can’t touch it, feel it, see it.  Maybe it’s because I’ve just adapted and melded it into my lifestyle – it’s not something I put a name to – it’s just something that IS and as such, I deal with it.  Whatever the reason, I think it’s important to put a face to the beast I deal with – Anxiety and Panic.

When I try to explain to someone what it feels like to have a panic attack, in the simplest way possible, I tell them to think back to a time when they got a phone call and it was shocking news… a death in the family, a loved one in a serious accident… that instant feeling you get at the news, the gut heaving, the heart going bang… that sinking “oh crap” feeling… that’s what I feel like when I get a panic attack.

But my experience begins sooner…. I experience anxiety in so many situations … I suppose that now, I could be considered to have generalized anxiety as I spend much of my day feeling that I am in a heightened state of anxiety, yet, I think what may separate what I experience from generalized anxiety, is that much of the anxiety I feel comes from things related to going out – the Agoraphobia.  So, if I look in the fridge and see we are running low on groceries, I get anxious.  If I get asked if I have picked up something, I get anxious.  So many things… I hurt, I get anxious because it means I may need to see the doctor.  If the phone rings… when the mail comes … when the gas is low on the car… Anything which means I have to move beyond my safe place – home.  Even thinking about these things as I write causes my anxiety level to jump up a few notches … it triggers a whole bunch of thoughts about things I need to do but haven’t yet … get the car fixed, pay the income tax bill, visit my parents… if going out is a remote possibility of any of it…. BAM!  Anxiety.

The anxiety starts low and slow… kicking my brain into gear as I try to plot and plan each step of what I have to do when I go out.  My gut churns, my heart beats faster, my palms sweat, I become very restless.  My mind goes a hundred miles an hour as I try to think of ways I can avoid having to go out… Can I put it off?  Is it that important?  Can I do it from home?  Over the internet?  Can I get someone else to do it?  What are the consequences if I don’t do it on time?

You’d be amazed that something as simple as going to the grocery store poses so many barriers to me.  Is it going to be busy?  What time is it?  What time would it not be busy?  Have I remembered what time they close?  What if I can’t find a spot in the parking lot?  How many times do I circle the lot before I give up?  Have I remembered my ipod (I always wear it when I go)?  Where are my headphones?  Is it synched with my newest music?  Where is my bank card?  Will they have everything I am looking for?  What if they don’t… will I have to go to another store?  What if I forget something?  Where is my coin for the cart?  … and on and on and on… An uncertain answer to any of those questions, and my anxiety hikes up a few more notches…

Panic.  Panic is my enemy.  Panic puts me in a frozen state – I can’t see, think or do anything.  It paralyzes me.  I cannot breath, my chest is tight, my heart feels like it’s about to explode out of my chest.  I feel hot and trembly… on the verge of tears.  My inner voice takes over and tells me things like “I can’t do this!”  … “I’m going to pass out!”… “Everybody can tell I’m freaking out.”

But there’s more… once the panic subsides – it always does … I end up telling myself “I am a failure and I am a freak and I am so stupid to not be able to do these things… everybody else can…. I USED to be able to!!!!”

At the end of the road, I end up feeling wasted physically and emotionally.  I usually get done what I need to get done, although often because of the nature of wanting to delay things to avoid the anxiety, they are late or last minute.  I end up being very hard on myself… I can’t seem to break this pattern of trying to avoid anxiety and panic provoking situations .. even though I know by delaying them I am not solving them, only adding to the anxiety and panic.

So, I don’t know if I’ve explained it any better.  I’ve puts words to it… made it a little more real for me.  Now, I may look at printing out this entry and giving it to my husband to read… he’s been so open lately to trying to understand… maybe, just maybe, what I have to say will help explain things a little better to him.  And, even if it doesn’t help him any, I feel a little better for having finally given some sort of face to this nasty beast that has affected my life in so many ways…

Bye for now.

Shoulder, Anniversary… Other bits and pieces

Well…..

What can I say?  Yesterday was different and interesting and per norm, didn’t go quite as planned, but that just seems to be the way life goes… “The best laid plans of mice and men…. “

Not everything went off track yesterday but anniversary celebrations certainly did because hubby wasn’t feeling terribly well.  I felt really bad when I finally clued in to the idea that he was going to go through on dinner and a movie despite feeling as rotten as he was.  The look of relief on his face and the very perceptible relaxing of his body as he lay in bed, told me that I had made the right decision by telling him we could do it another night.  Actually.. what I told him was… lol… “You will still owe me dinner and a movie.”

Hubby and I have developed an interesting banter lately that makes me smile everytime I think of it.  It’s very reminiscent of when we were first dating – playful, witty, casual.  It’s been very interesting and a whole lot of fun.  I cannot really say any one thing accounts for the change though because there are too many changes going on for both him and I.  He’s getting some resolution to a health problem which had been plaguing him… I’ve been finding some peace within myself about some things which had been bothering me… and then there’s the counselling.  Can’t say for certain what effect the counselling has been having, but we have been taught a few useful tidbits which I do believe are helping in their own little way.

…

My damn shoulder!  Ha!  Welcome to the PG version of what I say about it.  I did go and see the doctor yesterday.  I was in a bit of a quandary, not knowing if I should see him or the specialist, but opting to see him first because I knew I would get into him faster and at a minimum I needed something for pain.  I did get a prescription for a very strong anti-inflammatory, the downside being that I have to make sure I eat it with food and eating is not something I do very well – at least not on a regular basis, but the house is stocked with stonewheat thins, so I should do okay with that.  The conclusion was that I need to return to see the specialist – I already knew that!  Anyway, a return trip to the specialist (who I can’t get in to see until the end of July) and at that time we will discuss the possibility of decompression surgery on my shoulder because the relief hoped for from the cortisone was too short lived – I figure I may have gotten about two weeks of reduced pain, of which maybe two or three days were pain free.  In the meantime, I need to find some sort of pulley system I can set up and use as the doctor is very concerned with the rapidly diminishing range of motion in my shoulder.

…

Sleep… I am once again doing battle with my old friend sleep.  It feels irregular and even when I do get a decent number of hours, I am waking up feeling exhausted.  I’m not exactly sure what is up with that, but I’ll be keeping some sort of sleep journal to try to determine what’s going wonky.  I know that I cannot survive for too long with sleep that isn’t regulated.  The funny thing here is it’s not that my sleep is not regulated, it just doesn’t feel…. right?  Whatever the case may be, I’ll have to get to the bottom of it if I am to maintain a health well-being.

Well, must run now… just remembered I am to take my brother to the grocery store… he goes shopping, I sit in the car… has become a semi-comfortable routine.  My way of helping out without sending my Agoraphobia into the panic zone.

Bye for now.

Big Day Planned

Big day ahead…

Doctor appointment this afternoon to find out what the next step is for my shoulder as it has returned to its pre-cortisone shot pain level.   Sadly, the range of motion in it continues to decrease.  I have the feeling they are going to insist on another cortisone shot.. blah!  I understand their logic… their process… have to give it a try to see if it works, but it frustrates the hell out of me as I just want my shoulder to be fixed and I do not believe the cortisone is helping.  Guess I’ll have that discussion with my doctor when I go to see him.

Other stuff…

Today is my thirteen wedding anniversary… horay!  There have been far too many instances over the last year where I doubted we would get to celebrate it, believing that it was going to be just another day where hubby and I spent it apart (and there was a chance it would have been with us residing in different houses) … and yet, here we are.  We don’t have anything fancy planned – dinner and a movie – but to me it is absolute heaven.

That’s it.. that’s all…

Bye for now.